Holy Cow What a Year!

2015 is coming to an end in a few days…. and what a year it has been!!

I started the year out stressed to the max working a job I hated.  Had a baby girl

She lights up my life and I’ve been extremely blessed to spend the last almost 6 months at home with her!  Her dad and I celebrated 2 years together on Christmas day… seems like longer 😉

2016 is looking up.  There are so many details I could put in this post but the big things are I had a job I hated, I had a baby, I no longer have a job I hate and I am an Independent Consultant for It Works Global, I celebrated 2 years with this guy here and I have a job interview next week for a job that would let me be mom and still get out in the universe and feel like a functioning adult!  To say I’m blessed would be an understatement!

Sometimes Titles Don’t Matter

To sit and create has always been my goal.  To love, laugh, and find all the happiness I can in the world was my goal.  I once talked of being more like my dear Melissa friend and sucking the marrow out of life.  Since the last time I just rambled about the things going on in my life, so much has changed and now my goal is to merely make it through a day with no tears, no pain, no regrets.  I’ve fallen in love, I’ve lost that love, and had it return.  I’ve lost a child, I’ve lost hope, lost faith, lost myself.  Perhaps an intervention is in order, so here I’ll start… Hi, my name is Jennifer and I have a problem… more than one problem.  I’m numb and don’t care would be the biggest.  Apparently from what I’m told life has meaning, everything happens for a reason, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah… whatever, I don’t care.  I hurt, I’m numb, I’m drunk, I’m sober, I laugh, I cry, denial, depression are all part of my everyday life.  Robert and I sit together at night and talk, we laugh, we plan life like nothing has changed, but in reality everything has changed.  We laugh and eventually I cry and he holds me.  “It’s not your fault,” he says… “You didn’t do anything,” he says… He’s amazing, he loves me, I love him… I couldn’t figure out how to function without him right now, I would have shut down completely already if he wasn’t keeping me going.  These stupid posts need titles… sometimes titles don’t matter.  Sometimes all you want/need is to ramble with no specific topic.  Titles will never matter to me… and maybe one day life will matter again.

Currently…

Reading:  Dead Until Dark… maybe.  Just finished a book haven’t picked a new one yet!  Suggestions always welcome.

Wearing:  Short shorts, flip flops, tanks

Loving:  Summer, time with family, sweet red wine, CHURCH

Wanting:  Wii, books (tons and tons of books), shoes in every color, sunglasses

Eating:  Still lots of pizza, desserts of every kind 🙂

Drinking:  Sweet tea, Diet Dr. Pepper

Listening:  Come Over (Kenny Chesney), Hard to Love (Lee Brice), Love Come to Life (Big Daddy Weave)

Needing:  To try some of the recipes from Pinterest, more family time

Revelations:  I can say no without feeling guilty

Missing:  Sanity, Creativity, Fire, my Sniper friend, grandpa (always my grandpa)

Possession

“What is it? My dear?”
“Ah, how can we bear it?”
“Bear what?”
“This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?”
“We can be quiet together, and pretend — since it is only the beginning — that we have all the time in the world.”
“And every day we shall have less. And then none.”
“Would you rather, therefore, have had nothing at all?”
“No. This is where I have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere.”

–A.S. Byatt

work in progress

A Captive Audience

All the saints greet you, but especially those who are of Caesar’s household.

Philippians 4:22

Not all suffering is physical. Sometimes we go through emotional and mental suffering. Paul was a prisoner in Rome when he wrote to the Philippians. His ministry had been greatly curtailed; nevertheless, he told the Philippians that his imprisonment had actually aided the furtherance of the gospel. Being chained to Roman soldiers, he had the opportunity to win them to the Lord (v. 13).

There was a revival of sorts taking place in Caesar’s palace, which evidently led to the salvation of some, as today’s verse indicates. The soldiers didn’t know who they had on their hands: they believed they had a prisoner, but in reality they had a self–appointed evangelist to whom they were a captive audience! What a model of rejoicing in the midst of a potentially frustrating and discouraging situation!^[1]

I suppose this particular devotion caught my attention since suffering and finding joy in all situations has been a constant topic lately.  That has more to do with the fact that I am in the middle of a Bible study on Philippians.  But as we read through Philippians, and we read what Paul had to say to the church in Philippi and read through Paul’s background in Acts, can any of us truly say that we have suffered for Christ or that we find joy in any situation we are in even if it is frustrating or discouraging. 

If you look up suffer in the dictionary, the very first definition listed is this:  to submit to or be forced to endure.  Other entries include:  to feel keenly: labor under, to put up with especially as inevitable or unavoidable, to endure death, pain, or distress, and to sustain loss or damage.  As Christians we have CHOSEN to submit ourselves completely to God’s will, therefore we are going to suffer in some sense of the word.  1 Peter 3:17 tells us that suffering is going to be a result of living whether living the life we are called to or as a result of living a life full of sin.  Why then do we grumble and complain when life is uncomfortable or difficult?  This is the life we choose when we made the decision to follow Christ.  We could be suffering and not know that in the end our God and Savior will meet us with arms wide open to welcome us home, however, that isn’t the case; we know what the end result is going to be.  It’s time to take up our cross and walk the walk, instead of talking a big game and then going home and acting like life can go on being the same even after giving our lives over to the one who saved us.  There are people in history who have suffered far greater than any of us ever will.

We find very little joy in life even in the good things, we think there should be more.  Yes, we are going to encounter pain, we are going to encounter trials, but instead of grumbling and being someone who lets the smallest of things get to us, we (myself included) should remember that according to Philippians 1:29 “…you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake.”  People in history have suffered far greater trials than we are going to endure and they each did it with joy and contentment because they were serving the Lord.  These people have openly stood up and spoken out for Christ.  It is highly unlikely we are going to be persecuted for our beliefs.  We may have to endure ridicule, we may even have to face losing friends or family over our beliefs, but death… death is unlikely.  And as humans, we tend to avoid the uncomfortable.  Uncomfortable is not something we do well, we like our happy, go-lucky, no problem lives, but in reality, how many of us really have lives with no problems.  Would we still be singing the praises of our mighty God if we were put in a situation like Paul was, if we were imprisoned for spreading the gospel or would we curse his name and bask is the glow of our own self-pity?  The second scenario is more likely.  Paul was imprisoned and found joy and contentment.  The gospel was being spread despite Paul being imprisoned.  Others were preaching the gospel and Paul was able to reach the men who guarded him.  Would we really be worried about others finding out about Christ in our greatest trials?  We should be.  Too often we forget the one who can provide comfort and peace during the hardest times in life.  In our weakness God makes us stronger.  He is the everlasting, all mighty God.  Isaiah 40:29-31 “He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.  Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”  Romans 8:31 says “…If God is for us, who can be against us?”  Why are we not taking up our cross, why are we not speaking out, spreading the gospel, why are we not suffering for Christ?  We have nothing to be afraid of, if the world is the worst we have to encounter why are we not doing more?  Scripture proves the Mighty One is on our side.  Isn’t time we stand up and do more?

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^[1]MacArthur, J. (2001). Truth for today : A daily touch of God’s grace (310). Nashville, Tenn.: J. Countryman.

Life Right Now

Wow, so it’s been longer than I thought since I posted last.  August seems like a million years ago.  Life has been moving a 100 mph and I don’t seem to have made it very far in this journey that everyone tells me is life.  Since the last post, mom has been to Indianapolis a few times, we found out that she is now in kidney failure.  She will be on dialysis by the first of the year.  There was an appointment she had to make with her cancer doctors because the kidney specialist suggested that an organ transplant of any kind might not be able to be done due to her cancer 11 years ago, but the cancer doctors have said that the chances of her cancer returning are not any greater if she had the transplant than if she didn’t as long her hormone levels are maintained.  But we still have to deal with the heart and now the kidney failure.  She has another 2 appointments in Indy this month; one with the transplant surgeon and then one with the kidney specialist.  They should be putting in the fistula so it can heal for 2 months before they start using it and she will be on dialysis twice a week.  I have been spending a lot of time in Illinois helping out and I would be lying if I said it wasn’t wearing on me.  The driving is exhausting, the cost of gas driving back and forth is killer, and I am just ready for a break; preferably the kind of break that involves no phone, no tv, no people, just me and a bed… possibly a nice hole to crawl into. 

Being in Illinois, I have gotten to spend more time at church with everyone at LPCC and I do love my time there.  For the last year or so it has been one of the few places I enjoy being.  And Sunday night church has started again so I get to start spending time with my kids in 2’s and 3’s.  I love my kiddos.  They are so much fun.

I have also been talking to someone who is, in my opinion, pretty awesome.  A friend introduced us and we have been talking back and forth for about a month or so and have seen each other a couple times and I hope we get to spend more time together.  It is actually kind of nice to wake up to a message in the mornings that say good morning and have a good day.  And since I can’t really talk on the phone at work, it’s nice to get a message in the middle of the day that is just saying hi.  It makes me smile on a bad day and even on a good day makes the day better. 

Let me see, there has been so much going on…. And so much I could talk about.  I am trying to hit everything. 

Great Grandma Link turned 90, Aunt Ruth is fixing to turn 70 (she’d kill me if she knew that was on here), my brother is a moron, and I have spent tons of time with Grayson and Owen (I love my baby cousins).  I have amazing friends.  The old friends are still amazing and I am so thankful for a couple new friendships.  One of which is completely unexpected, but I have been so blessed to have her in my life.  She is absolutely wonderful and apparently is the self-confidence I have been lacking all these years.  She has the confidence in me, I’m not sure I have it in myself.  I am not as strong as people seem to think I am.  I am weaker all the time.

I have found that as I grow in Christ, my own ability to stand weakens as I lean more and more on Him.  That is believe is the way it should be as my strength is in Christ alone, and the more I lose myself the more I can be in Him and have a better relationship.  And while I am still looking for the relationship with the one I can spend my life with, I am also constantly working to improve my relationship with Christ and to grow.  I struggle daily to be the Christian woman I am called to be, I am human, and I do have many faults, I cannot be perfect and I understand that, however, I also know that I do not always do everything in my power to be the person I am called to be.  I often find myself disappointed in myself and in the job I am doing.  I have failed on so many occasions to live my life so that others can see Christ through me.  I am called to be a witness, and I have been failing miserably at it. 

Anyway, I think that is probably life right about now.  I’m sure I’m missing some details, but if they are important they will surface and I will put them in my next post.  Until then, I continue on this path I am on, striving to stay on the narrow road and always remembering God gave me a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self control (2 Timothy 1:7)

Distant

Today I feel a bit distant

You seem so far away

Today I feel a bit distant, much to my dismay

Yesterday you were much closer

I didn’t feel quite so alone

Today I feel a bit distant

Where oh where did you go?

You are right where I left you

It’s I that have wandered away

By now I should know where to find you

You’re only a prayer away

 

Sent from A Friend

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,

The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.

–John O’Donohue, from “Blessings”

CoMpLeTe AnD tOtAl RaMbLiNg :)

I have 2 words for you……. LONG WEEKEND!!!!  I am sooo ready for a long weekend.  The beginning of it to be spent in the peace and quiet of my apartment (heck to the yes), the middle of it to be spent in EC (walking in a parade with my bestie Joy and the other bestie Kerri would like porkburgers so I’m sure there will be porkburgers) and the end of it in the peace and quiet of my apartment preparing myself for the return to the mental torture that is my job (BOOOOO).  BUT it’s a long weekend so WOO HOO!!  I can’t complain, life is pretty good.  At the point you turn 27 you kind of quit caring what everyone else thinks and do for yourself (a trick I should have learned a long time ago).  I quite enjoy staying home when I want, going out when I want, doing what I want and not really caring if others have an opinion on my life.  It’s quite liberating to finally not give a flying fig if I’m going to offend someone.  You like me or you don’t and if you don’t then not my problem and I don’t need ya J!  Of course that could apply to many people so sorry if I don’t notice ya not being around.  I have my group and I’m happy with ‘em.  Huh… looks like I didn’t have any anger, confusion or anything else rollin’ around in my head… that’s good to know… since the less I know the less I have to testify to in a court of law.  Ha ha I made a funny :P… Huh looks like some sleep would be good, too bad I’m hyped on caffeine.  I do love Dr. Pepper though and this keeps getting more random the more I type… could have something to do with the fact I keep getting interrupted by text messages… oh and I’M TIRED.  Anywho…. I have a weekend of hangin with my peeps (I’ve apparently suddenly become black, not sure how that happened and sorry if I offended anyone with that comment) and relaxin at my apartment… BOO YAH!

So Until Then….

So it’s actually time to leave.  I was supposed to be sitting here blogging but instead got on Facebook.  Maybe I should have turned my internet off too!  Oh well, it was a nice idea to sit here and pour out my thoughts before work.  Maybe that plan will go better next time; beside the little time I have before work I no where near enough to sort through all of the feelings of anger, hurt, confusion and whatever else is inevitably running through my mind.  So until then…..