ramble

my heart aches, it continues to break.  normal days come and go.  demons won’t go away.  they merely hide until i think i’m safe.  faith fades and then reignites just as quickly.  loneliness is my friend and my enemy.  being alone comforts and being alone kills.  prayers seem insignificant yet necessary.  thoughts remain fragmented instead of coherent.  ramblings to most, life to me.

A Great Plan

God has a great plan…  or something like that.  The past few months, there have been no signs of a plan.  There are the pieces of a life scattered about the ground.  There are broken bits that were once love, happiness, stability, friendship, faith, family, friends and those bits made up a life… a happy life.  And from the outside one would see a quiet, seemingly content life.  Those who see that don’t see the scars, the deep cuts on the soul, the wounds that may never heal.  There are good days, days life doesn’t seem quite as bad, that hope is awakened in her dull eyes.  But the bad days, those are the days to watch out for.  The bad days outnumber the good, the tears flow freely from burning eyes, the ache in her chest feels like at any moment her chest cavity will explode, the anger is at the edge of her tongue, dripping slowly just waiting to burst forth and rip into the next undeserving soul who looks at her in a less than caring way.  There is no sign of a plan, there should be a hint of a plan, where is the damn plan?  Picking up those bits and pieces is more difficult than one would think… is that the plan?  Is the plan simply to make yourself look close to the way you used to?  Is the plan simply to exist until you once again have faith in a God that you have questioned continually for months?  What is the plan?  At what point do you figure you maybe aren’t meant for greater things?  Right now, there is no great plan.  Right now, there is only a small flicker of hope in a pair of dull, life-weary eyes, that simply wants to make it through a day without the pain from memories that sneak up on her…. Right now, she would settle for a mediocre plan that consisted of something that resembles the life she left behind.

Currently

Currently…

 

Listening: Who Are You When I’m Not Looking (Blake Shelton), Hard to Love (Lee Brice), Stop the World (Matthew West). Over You (Miranda Lambert)

 

Eating: pizza (lots of pizza), cheese and crackers, pork burgers & brats

 

Reading: Imperfect Birds, my dear friend Melissa’s articles and blogs

 

Wanting to read: Slave by John MacArthur

 

Really liking: sleep, time with friends, VitaminWater, Edy’s Fruit Bars

 

Disliking: work, arrogance, inconsiderate people, depression

 

Discovering: all the imperfections

 

Looking forward to: hanging out with Jess, a week away from work, time with family

 

Watching: Criminal Minds, Big Bang Theory, TrueBlood

 

Drinking: VitaminWater, sweet tea, Diet Dr. Pepper

 

Wearing: shorts & tanks, Dr. Suess pj’s, hot pink tennis shoes

 

Wanting: a pick me up, inspiration, fire, love

 

Needing: light in my life, uplifting words, more faith

 

Tired

I sit at the church and it’s the last night for Sunday youth until next year. I want to be anywhere but here. The building that usually feels more like home than home feels as though its smothering me today. The past few weeks I’ve been gloomy, just blah, and can’t seem to shake it. Going through the motions seems so fake, so unnecessary. God doesn’t want my empty heart, my joyless, less than excited worship. It makes me wonder if going through the motions is worth it. Maybe a break from it all would help, but there isn’t time for a break. Not with Bible study, Kids Worship, Media tech to do homework and prepare for. At some point my loneliness has overcome my ability to care, my ability to smile like everything is ok. At some point in my fight to balance work and life I have slipped away from the stronghold I had on God. I know I have everything I need. My relationship with Christ should be enough… Is enough…. But at some point the desire to have someone to hug, someone to come home to has made that relationship seem not quite as significant.