What do you do when the answer is wait. For months now, the only answer I get is wait. I’m not good at waiting, patience is a virtue, but it’s not one I possess. I am grateful for an answer and not silence but waiting is killing me. I obsess and I don’t eat or sleep. I obsess and make myself sick. Wait… I try to find a way around Him. Wait…I try to find something to occupy my time. Wait… my head and heart scream with frustration. Wait. *sigh* Wait, I must.
my heart aches, it continues to break. normal days come and go. demons won’t go away. they merely hide until i think i’m safe. faith fades and then reignites just as quickly. loneliness is my friend and my enemy. being alone comforts and being alone kills. prayers seem insignificant yet necessary. thoughts remain fragmented instead of coherent. ramblings to most, life to me.
We are all called. Whether or not we answer the call is another subject altogether. We talk and pray and wait for an answer. How often do we get an answer, but we aren’t listening. In the past, I have listened and I have heard and I have ignored. I have prayed for changes, prayed for peace, prayed for healing for others. I have been called to work for God, to serve Him. I know how, and right now I know where, but the question is whether or not I will serve elsewhere, in a larger capacity… I think so. I have asked and prayed and pleaded for a love to come into my life. A love that would also live for Him, serve Him, a love that I would be able to love and serve as we serve Him together… so far nothing, but a wait… it’s an answer, but at the age of 29 (well, 29 in a day), wait is not the answer I’m looking for. I must first learn to be obedient to Him, learn to be obedient to God, the Father… the Father, I have in the past been so quick to disobey, quick to ignore, quick to walk away from. The answer I’ve been waiting for… wait and learn obedience and then perhaps. *Sigh* So I teach to pass the time, I change programs at the church for the kids, I start new studies for kids with a friend. I write, I work, I cry, I pray. Obedience and patience… never my two strong points. So I take walks and talk with God, I take walks and think through life, I send messages to my dearest Melissa friend, I have breakfast with my Sarah friend and I wait… Obedience and patience, obedience and patience, obedience and patience… it becomes my mantra. I’m held here in limbo, as my Melissa friend (http://onbruisedknees.wordpress.com/) recently said, I’m somewhere and nowhere all at the same time, waiting… I’m called to serve, to teach, I’m told to wait… Obedience and patience, Obedience and patience… and all I can do is repeat the phrase and walk by faith.
Memorial Day, 5 years ago, so Memorial Day 2008, it may have only been 4 years… I’m not 100% on that… I do know it was Memorial Day… Or Labor Day (but 99.9999% sure Memorial Day), I met an incredible man. Said man will henceforth be referred to as New York. And not only is he New York, he is MY New York. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine…. even in the midst of all the other relationships I’ve given chances since meeting him, New York is the one I’ve wanted to be with. The problem with that particular desire is well 1) he lives in New York and 2) you cannot put stubborn and more stubborn together to create bliss in a relationship. What in fact happens is complete and utter chaos. Everyone is right… in reality, we’re both wrong (not 100% of the time), but we’re both enough wrong it just ends badly. And it has… again and again and again and again… you get the picture… It never went well…EVER!!
New York and I instantly had a connection when we met and we were in love and it was new and fabulous and then his micromanaging and my constant need to self-sabotage any good thing in my life met head on… Explosion.
We took a break… a long break (like a year). We started talking, we still love each other, we think the other is the one that got away, things are great, then I don’t even remember what happened…Explosion.
Again, we take a break… not quite as long as the previous break, but still I would say 3-6 months. Same scenario, we have both been in counseling by this point, we think we are straightened out enough to give it yet another chance, I am 100% going for this, New York is the one I want to spend my life with and then we get into a blow out about my brother, (yes, my brother who I can’t stand), and yes I take responsibility for that one it was my fault.
Well, after spending months trying to convince him I’m sorry and things have changed he informs me that he loves me but we have proven we do nothing but hurt one another (proof is listed above)… we continue to talk, if I’m ever in New York (yeah right, like that will ever happen) give him a call. Maybe in all this time he just wanted me to jump on a plane and come to him. Well I would have if I could have but I’m a poor girl living in the Midwest who lives paycheck to paycheck. We keep talking… I tell him if he wants to not try again then I will respect that. I miss having him in my life, so we keep talking… Maybe I just want him to come to me (he most definitely has the means). He agrees. He misses me, he still loves me. New York is coming to Southern Illinois (aka the middle of nowhere) to see me. We’re going to talk, we’re going to see if anything can be salvaged. Did I mention HE WILL BE HERE! My New York will be HERE with ME! Yes, I’m nervous and scared and this could very possibly turn into another explosion (I’m aware, don’t need a lecture on how this is a bad idea), but more importantly, I am freakin’ ecstatic!!!
Bad idea or not, this is what we need. We need to be in the same place, at the same time and quite possibly for the first time in YEARS be on the same page whether we walk away friends or not is yet to be seen, but at least, when he gets on the plane to fly back to New York, we will finally have figured out what in the heck is going on with us.
The man I loved has disappeared from my life. I’ve accepted that. There are days it still bothers me, but for the most part, I’m focused on moving on and having a life free from the pain of the last year of my life. Today I went to Bible study like I do every Saturday. The only difference was today I took my Starbucks travel mug. The travel mug that represents the one thing I got from the man I loved dearly that wasn’t heart ache or a migraine from trying to convince him he was making the wrong decision. The fact that I came to the conclusion that the best thing that came out of that relationship was a travel mug is a bit disturbing. I poured my heart and soul into the relationship and all I get out of it is a fucking travel mug… how wrong is that??? Relationships are supposed to be give and take and full of love even when you are angry. I loved him, I feel now that all he felt for me was lust. It is that reason I’m glad I can work through issues I’m left with and move. I want to be more than a warm body. I want love and all of the other emotions and trials that go into working through the days, weeks, and years of a relationship. Relationships should add up to more than a headache, a heartache and a Starbucks travel mug.
I haven’t prayed much this week. And by much, I mean at all. The last time God and I had a conversation, I was angry and was in no mood to blow smoke at Him about how wonderfully, powerful He is. I was in no mood to tell him that he is the Lord Almighty and it is because of Him that my life has all of the blessings it has. Let me be clear here… I WAS NOT IN THE MOOD! It’s May, 9 months after my miscarriage; the first weekend in May I had to let go of my 2nd graders in Kids Worship (downer #1), then Saturday was my niece’s birthday party (I began to unravel while driving home from picking up cakepops from a friend), Sunday was Mother’s Day (the icing on the crap cake that has been my life this month). I almost didn’t go to church knowing they were going to celebrate mothers, but I went. I almost walked in late to miss the video and the baby dedication, but I didn’t. I almost walked out in the middle of the video, but I didn’t. I sat and I bit my tongue to keep from crying and I suffered through it… Yes, I SUFFERED through it. So when it came time for Communion, I was NOT IN THE MOOD! My last conversation with God went a little something like this:
“Dear Lord, I am well aware there is a reason it happened, I may never know the reason, I’m not even sure I want to know the reason. I do know right now I hate you for it though.”
There you have it. Didn’t even feel the need to throw in a thanks for all you’ve done. Nope, not gonna do it. I’m going to be angry was the only thing I could think and I have been. I’m slowly getting over. I’ve been told I need to be sure to start talking to God again. And apparently, I need to apologize. *Sigh* I’m not good at apologizing… I may not have meant what I said, I meant it at the time, but I don’t hate God. I was angry, I am angry, how could I not be angry. And how in the world do I apologize to GOD of all people. it’s not like apologizing to one of my friends when I’ve been a butt. I have to apologize to GOD, the big guy, the one who can put me in hell. Geesh, talk about pressure and there shouldn’t be any pressure I mean come on!
Exhausted… physically and mentally. Sleep wanted, unable to fall into rest. Instead of a heart and soul at peace… at war. Bible study is usually a renewal for me not today. Today a word crept into my mind, into my heart, into my very being and shook me to the core. Anguish. The word I’ve been searching for to describe what I’ve been feeling. Anguish… pain + anxiety… mental distress. Distress my ass, more like mental TORTURE. Never in my life have I been so happy to be done with a Bible study in all my life and get home to the my own room and be alone! Never in my life have I wished a word would have been left unspoken. Anguish…
I am an expert at sleeping. I can sleep for 12 hours be up for 3 and turn around and sleep another 12. Lately, sleep has evaded me. I’ve had things on my mind. I lay in bed for hours trying to sleep before I go work the dreaded midnight to 8 shift. I miss sleep dearly, like a long lost friend. I try to make sense of the thoughts that float around in my head, the only problem is the thoughts are complete. They start in sentences and end up in fragments. They end in single words…fragments of the fragmented thoughts. My head works something like this:
I feel like an outsider.
All of the compulsive lying and guilt trips
My dad — too much to go into!
I feel Alone! Used! Misguided! Misunderstood!
Alone.
Used.
Misunderstood.
Misguided.
Confused.
Frightened. (future)
Upset.
Angry.
Failure.
Unlovable.
Betrayed.
Failure as daughter, Christian, woman/mother
Melissa, Lesa, Sarah
KERRI
Rebuilding = Frustrating
Want to cry
Only at peace at LPCC
Home is not home
Need more PRAYER!!
How?
NO WORDS!!!
Broken – Fixed = No, on mend
Healing – still pain everyday
Fragmented Happiness
Contentment within reach…
The inner contents of my mind continue to be an enigma… If I could only sift through the thoughts then maybe, perhaps sleep would return and I would feel the peace I felt only a week or so ago.
You can’t be his savior. More than one person has spoken those words to me. They, of course, are talking of my ex… of three times. Three times we tried to make it work and three times he left me for his ex. You can’t be his savior. I tried. I looked at the hurt in his dark brown eyes and did everything I could to take it away. He fights with demons I can’t help with though. It’s a fight he has to have on his own. If he is lucky she will support him. If I’m right, he’ll end up alone as he has every other time. I find it hard to walk away from him and leave him to figure things out. I have loved him completely and unconditionally, it’s the only way I know to love him. I love him still, but I find the feelings have changed even in this short time since the last break up. I’ve changed, grown… perhaps as much as I don’t want to admit it, I’ve grown away from him. I still consider him a friend and hate to lose that, but at the same time, I can’t lose myself trying to save him from his demons. I found a few demons of my own to battle while with him, I am thankfully putting them to rest. You can’t be his savior. I still think he needs help. I cringe thinking what will happen to him if things don’t go his way. You can’t be his savior. They are the words that ring the loudest in my head. He needs a savior… he needs THE Savior… he needs God. He’s angry with God. He walked away from God when we lost the baby. He will stay angry until he deals with his emotions and anger of our loss… I fear he will be angry forever. I fear for his soul. I hate thinking of an eternity where he is not there as my friend, as the friends we were before things went so terribly haywire. His demons are eating him from the inside out, he’s angry at something he thinks he doesn’t believe in, I’ve loved him completely and unconditionally, I’ve tried to show him the love he needs, to be what he needs in a partner, but I can’t be… what he doesn’t know is no one can be, not until the he fights what is inside and he wins. He also doesn’t know he won’t win… not until he finds his savior. I can’t be his savior, I have slowly come to terms with that. I pray for him, I pray for peace for me as I worry myself sick over him, I pray for him because no one can be the savior he needs us to be… no one but Jesus.
The official site of how to-ing.
Daily Thoughts and Meditations as we journey together with our Lord.
My Year As A Volunteer
The search for meaning, one page at a time
The Inner Contents of My Mind are an Enigma 