Currently

Reading:  not a fan, the Queen’s Fool

 

Wearing: jeans, north face hoodie, sweats, under armour shirts

 

Enjoying:  teaching Kids Worship, Bible study, messages with my Sniper friend, messages from my New York ❤

 

Looking forward to:  more messages with my New York <3, new 1st graders in Kids Worship in June

 

Really liking:  potato straws w/ ranch dip, Dove milk chocolate with almonds, coffee with caramel and french vanilla syrup

 

Needing: more prayer time, walks, more talks with Sniper, more time to read, more New York in my life!! 🙂

 

Watching:  Duck Dynasty, Two and a Half Men

 

Listening to:  Hunter Hayes, Thompson Square, Boybands from the 90’s

Currently

Reading:  Unglued, not a fan, Bible, The Boleyn Inheritance

Wearing:  lime green capris, bright orange shirts, red shoes, darker hair, wearing my hair curly

Enjoying:  teaching Kids Worship, Bible study, messages with my Sniper friend, working full time

Looking forward to: the future, love, visits with friends, BEING FREE

Really liking:  Gold Peak Sweet Tea, Bold Party Blend Chex Mix

Needing: more prayer time, writing inspiration, evening walks, card writing (snail mail)

Watching:  Duck Dynasty, the Colbert Report

Scripture:  “Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin.”  —  Hebrews 12:1-4

Quote:

An Award? Hmm… Not for me.

My dear Sniper friend has nominated me for an award… I’m sure she must be confused!  My words consist mostly of ramblings from daily life.  But apparently Sniper thinks my words warrant being noticed so I’ve been nominated….

My dear, sweet, Sniper friend is better known as Melissa.  Her words are deep, her words move people, her thoughts flow, are more put together than mine and I would encourage everyone to visit her at http://onbruisedknees.wordpress.com/.  But she believes in my words which she has often described as raw… I suppose they are since most of my ramblings come from the raw emotions flowing through my veins.  Words not trying to sugar coat life, but words that are heated with anger, love, life.  I wouldn’t write if not for the encouragement of the sweet Melissa to keep creating.  So I keep trying, keep making more… more words, more memories, more art.

This award requires answering questions and following rules (For anyone who knows me I’m not a great follower of rules). Fellow nominees, you must answer the eleven questions, ask eleven new questions, and share eleven things about yourself.  The last step is to nominate eleven other bloggers for the award and let them know you’ve nominated them in a comment on their blogs.  Sniper has given me a list of questions I must answer so here goes:

Favorite beverages:  Dr. Pepper, Coffee, and Sweet tea.  Nothing makes a person feel better than a good, hot cup of coffee or sitting outside sipping a cold glass of sweet tea with a friend!

Favorite quote:  There are so many to choose from and this is a hard choice for me… can’t I pick them all?  Ok, ok, I will go with “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.” — C. S. Lewis

Favorite book of the Bible:  Without a doubt, hands down… Isaiah, followed by James, and I have a new found appreciate of Judges.

Describe the perfect tattoo:  A tattoo on my forearm.  I am thinking paisley wrapping around my forearm with the words from Ecclesiastes 3:11 worked into the design

Favorite word:  Facetious, I think mostly because I like saying it.  And it’s how I treat most issues.

Favorite place and why:  LPCC!  I feel more at home in that building than I feel at home.  It is warm and welcoming and wraps its glorious teachings around me and warms my soul!

Favorite scents:  Anything outdoorsy.  I love lemony scents and peppermint!

Favorite body part and why:  My hands.  They create and destroy.  They are part of every emotion, every reaction, every season, every creation.  They ache with carpal tunnel and arthritis but still help to make works of art, teach kids church and type out words that need to come out instead of be held in.

Time of day, day of week and month of year:  Evening, Friday, May or October

Where do you want to travel:  Ireland, Germany, Australia… the world!

Describe your best memory:  meeting my sweet, sweet baby cousins for the first time, holidays being the cool, big cousin and building “dinosaurs” with Grayson, grandpa singing I’ll Fly Away… all of my memories of my grandpa!

I don’t have 11 other bloggers to nominate, I don’t follow that many.  I’m just answering the questions from my dear Sniper to say that her encouragement and friendship means more to me than can be described.  Like I said I’m not a rule follower.  I will, however, share 11 things about myself.  This will be the easiest part!

1.  I’m not as strong as people think I am.

2.  I trust too easily.

3.  I love books.

4.  My dog is my best friend.

5.  Without Christ I would be nothing.

6.  My kids church kids keep me going when things are tough.

7.  I am content being alone.

8.  My favorite television show is Duck Dynasty.

9.  If I have a choice of pizza or steak I will always choose pizza.

10.  I sometimes wish cell phones had never been invented.

11.  I’m a sucker for old Garfield cartoons.. I LOVE THEM!!

I suppose that brings me to the end of this particular post.  There is so many more words to be written and there will be more life posts in the very near future but until then, I will say good day, God Bless, and thanks for reading!

Always

I love the way you smile
And always brighten my day
The way your eyes shine
And say I’m here to stay

Always and forever my heart belongs to you
I’ll stand beside you no matter what
I know we’ll help each other through
As long as we’re together
And I’m standing here with you

I’ll always love your smile
The way you brighten my day
I’ll always love the way your eyes light up
And say I’m here to stay

But if you don’t mind me saying
Every word written here is true
Most important thing of all
Always and forever I want to stay with you

Stuff Much?

So, if you can’t tell from previous posts or you have never read any of the previous posts, I like books.  Ok, that’s a lie, I love books.  I also love my church and my awesome group of women I am lucky to study with.  A few of us are taking the time to read Unglued by Lysa Terkeust(You should really go buy this book).  We are only on Chapter 4 and I have come to the conclusion that I am a slightly messed up human being (I already had a hunch, but now it’s being confirmed).  This is a book that the cover is a woman standing on a rock with her head in a bag I’m assuming screaming.  The book description is as follows:

God gave us emotions to experience life, not destroy it! Lysa TerKeurst admits that she, like most women, has had experiences where others bump into her happy and she comes emotionally unglued. We stuff, we explode, or we react somewhere in between. What do we do with these raw emotions? Is it really possible to make emotions work for us instead of against us? Yes, and in her usual inspiring and practical way, Lysa will show you how. Filled with gut-honest personal examples and biblical teaching, Unglued will equip you to: Know with confidence how to resolve conflict in your important relationships. Find peace in your most difficult relationships as you learn to be honest but kind when offended. Identify what type of reactor you are and how to significantly improve your communication. Respond with no regrets by managing your tendencies to stuff, explode, or react somewhere in between. Gain a deep sense of calm by responding to situations out of your control without acting out of control.

It’s a great book, very convicting.  And really just pointing out the already obvious fact that I have issues, but here is what is great… while going through these chapters and really thinking about these issues I have started to pinpoint the causes.  So far we have gone through whether or not we are “freak out” people, and the labels we give ourselves or others give us, and when do we most often come… yes you guessed it… unglued.  But Chapter 4… Chapter 4, is interrupting sleep, why I’m not sure it’s not earth shattering, but it is big.  Anyway, we are going through common unglued reactions.  You are an Exploder or a Stuffer (there are 2 options under each but I’m simplyfing).

I am a Stuffer.  There is no question about it.  I both build barriers and collect rocks for retaliation.  After years of perfecting the art of being an emotional Stuffer, I can say that it is inevitable that eventually some insignificant detail in my life will turn me into an Exploder.  And not just any garden variety explosion, when I decide to go off it is usually comparable to an atomic bomb.  I, of course, then fall into the category of the Exploder who shames myself because whatever it was that caused me to go off was really not a big deal.

I collect rocks to throw back… usually at my family.  The barriers have killed more friendships/relationships than I can count.  But as a Stuffer, the automatic answer to everything is “It’s fine,” or “I’m fine.”  I have a skill for smiling and nodding at someone I am furious at and saying, “No, it’s fine,” and the entire time I have been choking them in my head.  It’s at the moment I cut them off.  And as far as personal problems that I don’t necessarily talk about that I’m frustrated with put up as many barriers as anything.  I was raised that no matter what when you are out in public everything is fine, we are fine, we all get along, we are the nice, happy family.  I’m not saying we aren’t, but to me appearances aren’t everything.  In my family, that is a whole different story.  I have spent a lifetime stuffing emotions because we are trained to think it’s not ok to put them out there for the world to see.  That any sign of a mess or struggle is going to send our social status plummeting.  And the more I’ve thought about this, the more I laughed to myself…mostly because I started hearing the lyrics to a Miranda Lambert song that I like and I’ve only had about 6 hours sleep in the last 2 days.  It’s called Mama’s Broken Heart… and I will admit she is slightly crazy in the song (but I could relate a few months ago), but what catches my attention are these lyrics…My mama came from a softer generation
Where you get a grip and bite your lip just to save a little face.  And my mama’s mama and her mama’s mama… it’s an evil Stuffer creating cycle!  And of course then the song goes into the chorus of…

Go and fix your make up, girl, it’s just a break up
Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady
‘Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart

Yes, the song is about a breakup, but it is the idea of saving face that has made me into the Stuffer I am.  So I guess if this was a 12-step program, I would have to stand up and say, My name is Jennifer and I have a problem… I am a Stuffer!  I am guilty of stuffing to keep conflict at bay.  But I love what James 3:17 says:

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

I can have imperfect progress and hold on to the wisdom and promise that there is hope.  I just have to be sincere in my efforts.

The bright side is, I realized I am horrible about holding on to emotions.  I recently let go of a lot of anger I had held onto since high school.  And letting go of it was a relief that I had needed.  Sometimes it is easier to just tell someone you don’t agree with what they did or in my case what they said.  I held on to it for longer than I should, but the minute I told them I thought it was wrong and disrespectful, I had no intention of mending the friendship, but I wasn’t going to waste my time being angry about it anymore, it was like emptying a corner of my soul to breathe a little.

There is still plenty for me to let go, and I definitely still have to work on my Stuffing… and my atomic Exploding, but I’m getting better and I’ll take the progress where I can get it.

Merry Go Round

I have a bad habit of coming up with random ideas and thoughts when I’m driving… or in the shower… but this particular thought happened while driving.  I was listening to the radio like I often do and the song Merry Go Round came on.  I swear to you if you haven’t heard it describes probably every small town in the country.  And while singing along all I could think was this song soooo describes Small Town USA… also known as Edwards County.  Momma is hooked on Mary Kay (yup or Avon), Brother is hooked on Mary Jane (uh huh), Daddy is hooked on Mary two doors down (eh… not that anyone is going to admit but probably).  Then it goes on… We get bored, so, we get married (check).   Just like dust, we settle in this town (unfortunately true after trying to escape).  On this broken merry go ’round and ’round and ’round we go, Where it stops nobody knows and it ain’t slowin’ down.  This merry go ’round (check check and check).  Apparently the singer, Kacey Musgraves is from Texas, if I didn’t know better I’d think she was from good ole EC.  Anyway, to finish off this song Jack and Jill went up the hill, Jack burns out on booze and pills (uh duh although it’s most likely Meth), Mary has a little lamb (totally plausible) and Mary just doesn’t give a damn any more… ok the lyrics are Mary just don’t give a damn no more but that is bad grammar and just isn’t kosher.

Jack obviously fell down (after burning out on booze and pills or meth or whatever he was on that day), Jill may have tumbled after but did she help him up or did she say dude you suck, why did I marry you and walk away?  MAAAYBE when Jack fell down he pushed Humpty Dumpty off the wall too… maybe Jack falling down was the beginning of this downhill slide.  Maybe Jill should have helped him up… been a little more supportive.  Then maybe Small Town USA wouldn’t be a breeding ground for meth labs, teen pregnancy, and murderers.  As far as I can tell Jack started it all… and the only ones being pushed out are the 40%.  Jack couldn’t just fall down, he had to be an ass and knock Humpty off the wall too… so now we have drug addicted alcoholic and a rotten egg running around tormenting the town and showing the not quite bright youth that running with the devil can be a good time… and here we all are stuck on this damn merry go round…

It’s not a bad place to live.  As far as I know God hasn’t told anyone to take over the land and utterly destroy the good ole folks living here(think book of Judges)… at least He hasn’t yet.  Back in the day (long before me) 85% of the county was churched… which means the non-Christians were the minority.  Today is a different story; today only 40% of the county is churched… huh wonder what happened(I think Jack falling down happened).  I often look at the town and wonder why I’m here what the appeal is.  This is definitely Small Town USA…UGH!

Currently

Currently…

 

Listening: Who Are You When I’m Not Looking (Blake Shelton), Hard to Love (Lee Brice), Stop the World (Matthew West). Over You (Miranda Lambert)

 

Eating: pizza (lots of pizza), cheese and crackers, pork burgers & brats

 

Reading: Imperfect Birds, my dear friend Melissa’s articles and blogs

 

Wanting to read: Slave by John MacArthur

 

Really liking: sleep, time with friends, VitaminWater, Edy’s Fruit Bars

 

Disliking: work, arrogance, inconsiderate people, depression

 

Discovering: all the imperfections

 

Looking forward to: hanging out with Jess, a week away from work, time with family

 

Watching: Criminal Minds, Big Bang Theory, TrueBlood

 

Drinking: VitaminWater, sweet tea, Diet Dr. Pepper

 

Wearing: shorts & tanks, Dr. Suess pj’s, hot pink tennis shoes

 

Wanting: a pick me up, inspiration, fire, love

 

Needing: light in my life, uplifting words, more faith

 

What Shall Be

I sit alone and wonder

In the dark and gloom

What shall be my friends

When we are old and used

Shall I see you

When we are old

And when we are all gone

Will a legacy be left

Now we are the future

Tomorrow we are the past

But what becomes

Of all that’s in between

This is what shall be

When our life is ending

After the friendships end

And all our life is done

What shall be is never known

We never know of our future

Much less of our past

Time shall never be known

When we know what shall be

We are old and gray

The time together was so dear

But now we must go away

The days grew darker

The nights grew wearier

Finally we are through my dearest of all friends

The time has come to sleep away

We are fastly fading

The story continues

Rayleigh has a plan.  As soon as graduation is over she is moving; going off to college in a far away state to pursue a degree that will keep her out of Ashlake.  Rayleigh will graduate with a doctorate when it’s all said and done.  She plans to work as a forensic psychologist for the FBI.  She plans to write, to create, to live and suck the marrow out of life.  She plans to live outside of the community; free from the control she has known her entire life.  This has always been the plan; since she was old enough to know things in this small Midwestern town operate differently than the rest of the world.

Rayleigh is sure her name is on the list of graduates the Elders will send off suggesting they spread their wings and find their way out in the world.  She has been taken before the Counsel hundreds of times for disciplinary action.  Rayleigh has made it a point to incur more disciplinary action than anyone in Ashlake’s recent history.  She isn’t a bad kid, it’s just all part of her plan.  She figures her lack of concern for the well-being of the community along with the fact her family has had generations of experience pissing off the Elders is her ticket out of this hell she has been living… she is counting on her expulsion from the community being permanent.

Rayleigh’s family has been a thorn in the community from the beginning.  Rayleigh’s great-great-uncle was expelled from the community after a dispute with another family in the community ended with what was considered unnecessary violence.  Rayleigh’s grandmother and grandfather were let back into the community with the understanding that the first problems they caused would result in immediate removal from Ashlake.  Somehow her grandparents had managed to keep their family in Ashlake despite their middle son causing more problems than the great-great-uncle.  The Elders for some reason kept the family around; the family should have been removed long ago.  

When Rayleigh was born she was the 13^thgreat-grandchild of the 13^th grandchild… this meant something to the Elders in the Community, but no one would tell her the significance.  She has tried researching, but the only explanations point towards Voo-Doo or Black Magic… nothing based on the Christian beliefs the members of the community are taught to practice.

The Elders have been putting off the announcement of the graduates they have chosen for high-powered political positions after college graduation.  The list is usually posted months before school is out for the year so the high school graduates know how to plan for their future.  This year things are different.  Rayleigh has been acting out as usual trying to rack up as much corrective action as possible, but it seems that no matter what she does she is unable to attract the attention from the Elders she is seeking.  There is something strange going on….

There’s Always A Story part 2

To understand how someone could get so caught up in the intoxication of making your own decisions and directing your own life you would have to grow up in a place like Ashlake.  You would have to understand the mental anguish of living in a community where judgment is a daily occurrence and happiness is something you hope the Elders of the community choose for your life.   Ashlake is different…. Very different.  This town is a small speck in the middle of the country and no one gives a damn if you make it out alive, their only concern is not angering the council of Elders that have run this town for centuries. 

There are rules in Ashlake.  The rules are simple; for children and teens the rules are as follows:  conform, be involved, and be happy; for adults the rules are just a simple, conform, be sure your children (and spouse if they are from out of town) conform, be involved and be happy.  It’s really a very nice Stepford Wife kind of world they have going on in Ashlake.  But the escape, it’s the escape all of the children dream of but they would never dare to speak that desire out loud.  Those places where you can be your own person, it’s those places that are forbidden to visit, to think of, to want to live.  The idea of the children growing older and going away to college terrifies the Elders of the community.  The young people could move away and never return and then what would happen?  Would Ashlake be able to sustain its way of life if the children begin going away to college and bringing in new fangled ideas of freedom of choice, not being married at a young age and reproducing or working somewhere other than the local factory that was started with the purpose of keeping the young people of Ashlake in Ashlake once they were old enough to move out of their parents home and begin a family of their own.  The Elders must quiet the rebels to ensure their perfect world is not disturbed.  And in Ashlake  quieting the rebels means a coup…. all out warfare against the rebels including turning friends and family against them.  The children of Ashlake go through their simple, “happy” lives unaware that their dreams will be crushed or at very least the cause of the reason they will forever be banned from being a part of Ashlake ever again.  High school graduation looms for many of the Ashlake youth and the decisions that have brought them to this day will dictate whether they move away and stay away or come back with an education and the means to support the next generation and help maintain the perfection necessary to keep the balance in this never changing hell many call home.  They will one day become the Elders that have already decided their fate.  Before diplomas are ever handed out the Elders have chosen those who are deemed acceptable to carry on the ways of the community and those who need to be on their way and pursue other avenues in life because the Ashlake way is not for them.  The intoxication provided by freedom is closer with every passing day, who will be lucky enough to escape and who will be doomed to live in the world created by the Elders and carry on their ways?  Many of the teenagers have no desire to leave, their only wish is to carry on the way of this place, hoping the Elders choose them to lead.  There is one however, that wants out, the only problem is the Elders chose Rayleigh to lead the council long ago, too bad she has no plan to return to Ashlake once she leaves.  She knows there is more to life and she intends to find it…..