Called

We are all called.  Whether or not we answer the call is another subject altogether.  We talk and pray and wait for an answer.  How often do we get an answer, but we aren’t listening.  In the past, I have listened and I have heard and I have ignored.  I have prayed for changes, prayed for peace, prayed for healing for others.  I have been called to work for God, to serve Him.  I know how, and right now I know where, but the question is whether or not I will serve elsewhere, in a larger capacity… I think so.  I have asked and prayed and pleaded for a love to come into my life.  A love that would also live for Him, serve Him, a love that I would be able to love and serve as we serve Him together… so far nothing, but a wait… it’s an answer, but at the age of 29 (well, 29 in a day), wait is not the answer I’m looking for.  I must first learn to be obedient to Him, learn to be obedient to God, the Father… the Father, I have in the past been so quick to disobey, quick to ignore, quick to walk away from.  The answer I’ve been waiting for… wait and learn obedience and then perhaps.  *Sigh*  So I teach to pass the time, I change programs at the church for the kids, I start new studies for kids with a friend.  I write, I work, I cry, I pray.  Obedience and patience… never my two strong points.  So I take walks and talk with God, I take walks and think through life, I send messages to my dearest Melissa friend, I have breakfast with my Sarah friend and I wait… Obedience and patience, obedience and patience, obedience and patience… it becomes my mantra.  I’m held here in limbo, as my Melissa friend (http://onbruisedknees.wordpress.com/) recently said, I’m somewhere and nowhere all at the same time, waiting… I’m called to serve, to teach, I’m told to wait… Obedience and patience, Obedience and patience… and all I can do is repeat the phrase and walk by faith.

Innocence

Everyday is a struggle to find the good in life, the good in people, the good God intended for us to see.  At some point in this journey through life, our innocence is lost.  I believe it is that loss that prevents so many of us from reveling in the simple things in life.  While I have not by any means found my lost innocence, I have found a peace about my life that allows the smallest and most simple things in life to shine out in the darkness.  However, I still have not found my ability to view the world through the eyes of a child who see only God’s beauty and greatness in everything.

I have posted about the kids in my class at church that have saved me time and time again over the last 9 months.  There is one in particular who has touched my heart and just makes me wish I could see the world through her eyes if even just for a day.  This girl is an amazing kid.  She is sweet and has such a soft heart.  When she wraps me up in hugs on Saturday mornings after our women’s Bible study or on Sundays my heart just melts.  This is a child who would give you everything she had if you needed it.  This is a child who instead of thinking of herself first like many do, thinks of others.  She has more patience than anyone I know, soft-spoken, and such a heart for people and for God.  I know where she has learned it, she has learned it from her family.  She watches, she takes it all in, she learns the important lessons from the people who can show her best.

I know they can teach her the way to walk with God, because I know her family.  I am blessed to have her mother as a dear, dear friend who has stood by me through the trials of the last 9 months, who has been one of the three wonderful friends in my life who has taught me it’s okay to cry.  She has a mother that I am completely transparent with and who holds me accountable.  And I love to watch this girl as she interacts with her friends (I believe at last count she thought it was probably somewhere in the hundreds) or her brothers, love to hear her answers to questions in class, watch her cheer during Upward; this girl despite being so young knows what is important in life.  She sees beyond what others her age see.

As I hugged her this morning and I held on to this girl that every part of me wished I could just take home with me, I realized I wish I could see the world as a child sees it.  I wish I could see this world with the innocence of a child again, only knowing what I’m seeing, what I need to be thankful for, realizing this vast creation holds so much joy despite the trials.  As I hugged this dear girl, I realized that while I may not have my child, and for the first time here I’m going to say that I am so convinced in my heart that my baby was a girl, so that while I may not have child, my baby, my Rayleigh (Asher if it had been a boy) here with me, I have these kids that I am so much a part of their lives throughout the year.  And while it will never come close to being able to love my own child, I have kids, I have so many kids and I love each and every one of them.  And my blonde haired, sweet, soft spoken, soft hearted girl will one day grow up and I can know that I had a bigger part in her life than I probably realize and she will have taught me more as a 2nd grader than any one else could have as an adult.

Bittersweet

Summer is fast approaching and it will be both amazing and bittersweet.  This will be my last month with my 2^nd graders in Kids Worship.  I will no longer be teaching the very same kids who have saved me over and over again since October.  June is promotion Sunday when the older kids in the group move up and I will get the younger ones who I once taught in 2’s and 3’s.  I’m torn between moving up with my 2^nd graders or staying where I am.  I’m torn because I know I’m being called to stay where I’m at, but I want so badly to move up with this group I’ve been with for 2 years.  It’s a bittersweet moment where I have to let go of some of the sweetest kids I’ve had the privilege to teach, but I know I will still get to see them and watch them grow in Christ.  It’s a time when I know I need to stay where I am to teach the next group no matter how much I want move up with this group and stay with them until they graduate.  So for the group I’m losing I have a message for you:

 

They Save Me

I worked my way up to Kids Worship.  I started teaching 2’s & 3’s on Sunday nights and helping in the nursery.  I was asked to be a crew leader and said yes which then turned into being a teacher.  I love my kids… all my kids.  So now, one Sunday a month I walk into a room that both breaks my heart and saves me all at the same time.  I am a teacher for the 1^st & 2^nd graders in Kids Worship; I’ve been a crew leader for the 3^rd & 4^th graders.  These kids are my kids.  One Sunday a month I get hugged, called Miss Jennifer and hope to teach them something worthwhile… hope they walk out of there knowing a little more than when they left.  I will tell anyone who will listen that Kids Worship is my favorite thing to help with at church.  That the kids will often teach you more than you teach them.  I pour my heart into those kids because they are the future and they deserve to have people who truly care pushing them.

Five months ago when I went to Lesa with the news I was pregnant I went fully expecting to be taken out of Kids Worship.  I was going to leave my kids to someone else; I wasn’t the example they needed.  I had a miscarriage and I have continued to teach my kids, to share in their lives.  I still think there are better examples that could be helping mold the future of our church.  Five months ago, the thing I love the most about serving at LPCC became one of the most difficult things I ever had to do.  But those kids… my kids… have saved me so many times.

The closer May gets the more I think about the child I’ll never hold.  The closer May gets, the tighter I hug my sweet, sweet kids one Sunday morning a month.  They have no idea that they save me with every hug, with every smile, with every picture drawn on a sticky note.  My heart breaks at times when I walk into that room full of 1^st-4^th graders most of them I’ve taught or been around for years and watched grow up.  I’d be lying if I said there aren’t days that I dread walking into Kids Worship, because there are.  Some days I’m not sure I can take another reminder of what I lost; but I walk in that room to hugs and those kids hollering Miss Jennifer and I know I’m where I’m meant to be even though it hurts.  I push the hurt back and the laughs and hugs save me all over again.  If it weren’t for those kids, I wouldn’t have made myself walk into church some weeks.  It’s gotten easier… and more difficult all at the same time.  When I think of the child I lost, I try to remember all of the kids I have to hug on and laugh with on Sundays… and they save me one more time.

After five months I wish I could say it’s easier, it’s not… they save me.  After having a dear friend lose her child just weeks before her scheduled C-section… they save me.  I hear about old high school friends losing their babies… they save me.  Kids Worship is still my favorite part of serving at LPCC, some months are more difficult than others, but if it weren’t for those kids I can’t be sure that I wouldn’t have given up on God completely.  And looking at the journey to where I stand today, I am oh so blessed to be a part of that program and so thankful to the kids who have no idea what they have done for me…so grateful they save me.