Wait

What do you do when the answer is wait.  For months now, the only answer I get is wait.  I’m not good at waiting,  patience is a virtue,  but it’s not one I possess.  I am grateful for an answer and not silence but waiting is killing me.  I obsess and I don’t eat or sleep.   I obsess and make myself sick.  Wait… I try to find a way around Him.  Wait…I try to find something to occupy my time.  Wait… my head and heart scream with frustration.   Wait. *sigh* Wait, I must.

Called

We are all called.  Whether or not we answer the call is another subject altogether.  We talk and pray and wait for an answer.  How often do we get an answer, but we aren’t listening.  In the past, I have listened and I have heard and I have ignored.  I have prayed for changes, prayed for peace, prayed for healing for others.  I have been called to work for God, to serve Him.  I know how, and right now I know where, but the question is whether or not I will serve elsewhere, in a larger capacity… I think so.  I have asked and prayed and pleaded for a love to come into my life.  A love that would also live for Him, serve Him, a love that I would be able to love and serve as we serve Him together… so far nothing, but a wait… it’s an answer, but at the age of 29 (well, 29 in a day), wait is not the answer I’m looking for.  I must first learn to be obedient to Him, learn to be obedient to God, the Father… the Father, I have in the past been so quick to disobey, quick to ignore, quick to walk away from.  The answer I’ve been waiting for… wait and learn obedience and then perhaps.  *Sigh*  So I teach to pass the time, I change programs at the church for the kids, I start new studies for kids with a friend.  I write, I work, I cry, I pray.  Obedience and patience… never my two strong points.  So I take walks and talk with God, I take walks and think through life, I send messages to my dearest Melissa friend, I have breakfast with my Sarah friend and I wait… Obedience and patience, obedience and patience, obedience and patience… it becomes my mantra.  I’m held here in limbo, as my Melissa friend (http://onbruisedknees.wordpress.com/) recently said, I’m somewhere and nowhere all at the same time, waiting… I’m called to serve, to teach, I’m told to wait… Obedience and patience, Obedience and patience… and all I can do is repeat the phrase and walk by faith.

Changes

There is a question on my heart, a prayer on my lips.  I dare not speak to others what my heart needs to know.  Whatever the answer to this prayer, the result will be life changing.  I live now as a woman with divided loyalties… a woman with a heart torn between two places.  The desire to be firmly rooted in the place I know, but to also spread my wings and fly far away.  To leave here would be to leave the church that has molded me into who I am now and the children I teach and help guide.  To leave here would bring new adventures and excitement my life has not yet known.  To stay here will mean the same routine day in and day out.  To stay means continuing to live under the rule of the family and not ever be completely my own person.  Staying means that everything changes but nothing changes.  It’s a path only God can help me determine, a path only He knows which I should choose.  The prayers go up multiple times a day and waiting for the answer means patience.  Oh, the need for patience, the virtue of which I have very little.  There is a question on my heart, a prayer on my lips.  I’m waiting for the life changing result.

Innocence

Everyday is a struggle to find the good in life, the good in people, the good God intended for us to see.  At some point in this journey through life, our innocence is lost.  I believe it is that loss that prevents so many of us from reveling in the simple things in life.  While I have not by any means found my lost innocence, I have found a peace about my life that allows the smallest and most simple things in life to shine out in the darkness.  However, I still have not found my ability to view the world through the eyes of a child who see only God’s beauty and greatness in everything.

I have posted about the kids in my class at church that have saved me time and time again over the last 9 months.  There is one in particular who has touched my heart and just makes me wish I could see the world through her eyes if even just for a day.  This girl is an amazing kid.  She is sweet and has such a soft heart.  When she wraps me up in hugs on Saturday mornings after our women’s Bible study or on Sundays my heart just melts.  This is a child who would give you everything she had if you needed it.  This is a child who instead of thinking of herself first like many do, thinks of others.  She has more patience than anyone I know, soft-spoken, and such a heart for people and for God.  I know where she has learned it, she has learned it from her family.  She watches, she takes it all in, she learns the important lessons from the people who can show her best.

I know they can teach her the way to walk with God, because I know her family.  I am blessed to have her mother as a dear, dear friend who has stood by me through the trials of the last 9 months, who has been one of the three wonderful friends in my life who has taught me it’s okay to cry.  She has a mother that I am completely transparent with and who holds me accountable.  And I love to watch this girl as she interacts with her friends (I believe at last count she thought it was probably somewhere in the hundreds) or her brothers, love to hear her answers to questions in class, watch her cheer during Upward; this girl despite being so young knows what is important in life.  She sees beyond what others her age see.

As I hugged her this morning and I held on to this girl that every part of me wished I could just take home with me, I realized I wish I could see the world as a child sees it.  I wish I could see this world with the innocence of a child again, only knowing what I’m seeing, what I need to be thankful for, realizing this vast creation holds so much joy despite the trials.  As I hugged this dear girl, I realized that while I may not have my child, and for the first time here I’m going to say that I am so convinced in my heart that my baby was a girl, so that while I may not have child, my baby, my Rayleigh (Asher if it had been a boy) here with me, I have these kids that I am so much a part of their lives throughout the year.  And while it will never come close to being able to love my own child, I have kids, I have so many kids and I love each and every one of them.  And my blonde haired, sweet, soft spoken, soft hearted girl will one day grow up and I can know that I had a bigger part in her life than I probably realize and she will have taught me more as a 2nd grader than any one else could have as an adult.

Thank You

Thank you.  The last two words written on a piece of paper during Bible study.  Not the only two words, just the last two.  A list of prayer requests are at the top of the page.  The list of loved ones who are ill or dealing with death and other hardships in life… there were no praises that week.  The most notable request coming from someone asking we pray for the family of the bombers of the Boston marathon.

Half way down the page a note is scribbled from the video on James we were watching… Father will give whatever you ask in Jesus name.

Then the beginning of a prayer:

Lord –

Thank you

Nothing else, not even a punctuation.  Written in preparation of closing the session in prayer, forgetting the study would just end on the prayer given at the end of the video… interrupted by anguish and being asked to think about the most recent time you’ve experienced mental distress.  Interrupted by a video centered around childbirth, the anguish of losing a child, and finding joy in the midst of the anguish.  Lord, Thank you was all that was written.  At that point, what He is to be thanked for is uncertain, perhaps it was a thank you for finally putting a word to the pain, maybe for the sense of peace that is finally arrived, for the joy that was found in the midst of anguish, maybe for shining a light on the all of the things in life that needed letting go and for a renewal of spirit.  Who knows what that thank you was for… they were the only words that would come out that day.

Today, the thank you is for finally putting a word to the pain, for the renewed spirit, the ability to look at life differently than before, for all of the vast and unending blessing being poured out on life even when there are times it feels as if everything is lost.  Today, the thank you is for the realization that sometimes fewer words are more than enough, the realization that less is in fact more.  Today, the thank you is for this wonderfully crazy, out of our control life.

Edge of Happiness

 

I’ve finally found the edge…  the edge of happiness.  Contentment… joy despite the struggles.  James 1:2-4 says “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.”  I may not be there yet, as I will continually be lacking in something as long as I live in this world, but I can be joyful.  I have persevered and this changing of the seasons also brings a change in me… a change where I can smile, live a joy-filled life and with God’s help I most certainly can be FREE!!

Can’t Be His Savior

You can’t be his savior.  More than one person has spoken those words to me.  They, of course, are talking of my ex… of three times.  Three times we tried to make it work and three times he left me for his ex.  You can’t be his savior.  I tried.  I looked at the hurt in his dark brown eyes and did everything I could to take it away.  He fights with demons I can’t help with though.  It’s a fight he has to have on his own.  If he is lucky she will support him.  If I’m right, he’ll end up alone as he has every other time.  I find it hard to walk away from him and leave him to figure things out.  I have loved him completely and unconditionally, it’s the only way I know to love him.  I love him still, but I find the feelings have changed even in this short time since the last break up.  I’ve changed, grown… perhaps as much as I don’t want to admit it, I’ve grown away from him.  I still consider him a friend and hate to lose that, but at the same time, I can’t lose myself trying to save him from his demons.  I found a few demons of my own to battle while with him, I am thankfully putting them to rest.  You can’t be his savior.  I still think he needs help.  I cringe thinking what will happen to him if things don’t go his way.  You can’t be his savior.  They are the words that ring the loudest in my head.  He needs a savior… he needs THE Savior… he needs God.  He’s angry with God.  He walked away from God when we lost the baby.  He will stay angry until he deals with his emotions and anger of our loss… I fear he will be angry forever.  I fear for his soul.  I hate thinking of an eternity where he is not there as my friend, as the friends we were before things went so terribly haywire.  His demons are eating him from the inside out, he’s angry at something he thinks he doesn’t believe in, I’ve loved him completely and unconditionally, I’ve tried to show him the love he needs, to be what he needs in a partner, but I can’t be… what he doesn’t know is no one can be, not until the he fights what is inside and he wins.  He also doesn’t know he won’t win… not until he finds his savior.  I can’t be his savior, I have slowly come to terms with that.  I pray for him, I pray for peace for me as I worry myself sick over him, I pray for him because no one can be the savior he needs us to be… no one but Jesus.

More Stuffing

About a month ago I made a post about myself being a stuffer, which all comes from a book a group of women I study with are reading called Unglued by Lysa Terkeust.  I still think you should pick it up and read it some chapters will hit you more than others.  Chapter 6 is another one that has got me thinking.  That is probably because I’ve been going through the trouble of trying to process my miscarriage and deal with all of those emotions.  And I have destroyed relationships and shut down over the past few months.  Anyway here is another post on my stuffing…

I stuff because:

I don’t feel safe enough to confront this person

I don’t have the energy or the time to get into a conflict right now

I don’t know how to address the issue

I don’t want to seem hypersensitive

I don’t want to get rejected

I don’t want to lose control

I don’t want to make things worse, so I convince myself I can just let it go

I’m pretty sure every reason she lists for stuffing I have used at one point in my life.  The last five months I’ve stuck with I don’t know how to address the issue.  Ok, so that is only part of it, the other part is I don’t WANT to address the issue.  Lesa has found out that I’m an excellent stuffer and I wait until I can’t stuff anything else in so it all comes spewing out in a mess.  And I’ve cried and talked and she just hugs me and smiles and tells me not to stuff to keep it out for the sonshine to touch… and that is DIFFICULT.  I’m not one who parades my troubles to the world so I’m selective about who I will talk to about things.

Barriers shut down communication.  I have lost friendships because of my stuffing.  I lost a dear friend when I found out I was pregnant because she didn’t agree with it and then when I had a miscarriage because she wasn’t really around when I needed to talk.  She has tried to reach out a few times, but I’ve put up such a wall from the hurt I felt then I find it difficult to talk to her now.  My problem is the barriers I build against certain people affect all of my relationships because when I shut down communication I shut down completely.  I shut down to avoid dealing with that problem, and the next problem and the problem that started five months ago.  I wouldn’t be surprised if my stuffing and barrier building isn’t killing another friendship as we speak because it is too much for me to deal with my issues and be there for her.  Shutting down is just easier for me sometimes.  I don’t know how to deal with emotions, I never have.  Until recently, I haven’t had people who have made me sit down and take a look at things and process them.

Then prayer she has in the Chapter 6, just the first two lines of God, I’m so tired of being hurt.  I’m so tired of feeling distracted and discouraged by this situation. Are words I feel like I’ve prayed a hundred times looking for some relief with no response and I get discouraged by that.

I think I do try to tackle the person not the issues and most of the time I probably do have unrealistic expectations.  Being so emotion driven is such a pain… so draining.  I find I need to write out and plaster her “Feelings are indicators, not dictators, child.  They can indicate where your heart is in the moment but that doesn’t mean they have the right to dictate your behavior and boss you around.  You are more than the sum total of your feelings and perfectly capable of that little gift from Jesus called self-control,” all over my room, my car, at work… possibly tattoo it on my forehead so I see it when I look in the mirror.

I know I can have healthy relationships and that I can deal with emotions better than I do.  I just need to remember where to look for help and maybe a little more prayer is needed because maybe, just maybe the 101^st time I say that prayer I’ll get what I’m looking for.

Stuff Much?

So, if you can’t tell from previous posts or you have never read any of the previous posts, I like books.  Ok, that’s a lie, I love books.  I also love my church and my awesome group of women I am lucky to study with.  A few of us are taking the time to read Unglued by Lysa Terkeust(You should really go buy this book).  We are only on Chapter 4 and I have come to the conclusion that I am a slightly messed up human being (I already had a hunch, but now it’s being confirmed).  This is a book that the cover is a woman standing on a rock with her head in a bag I’m assuming screaming.  The book description is as follows:

God gave us emotions to experience life, not destroy it! Lysa TerKeurst admits that she, like most women, has had experiences where others bump into her happy and she comes emotionally unglued. We stuff, we explode, or we react somewhere in between. What do we do with these raw emotions? Is it really possible to make emotions work for us instead of against us? Yes, and in her usual inspiring and practical way, Lysa will show you how. Filled with gut-honest personal examples and biblical teaching, Unglued will equip you to: Know with confidence how to resolve conflict in your important relationships. Find peace in your most difficult relationships as you learn to be honest but kind when offended. Identify what type of reactor you are and how to significantly improve your communication. Respond with no regrets by managing your tendencies to stuff, explode, or react somewhere in between. Gain a deep sense of calm by responding to situations out of your control without acting out of control.

It’s a great book, very convicting.  And really just pointing out the already obvious fact that I have issues, but here is what is great… while going through these chapters and really thinking about these issues I have started to pinpoint the causes.  So far we have gone through whether or not we are “freak out” people, and the labels we give ourselves or others give us, and when do we most often come… yes you guessed it… unglued.  But Chapter 4… Chapter 4, is interrupting sleep, why I’m not sure it’s not earth shattering, but it is big.  Anyway, we are going through common unglued reactions.  You are an Exploder or a Stuffer (there are 2 options under each but I’m simplyfing).

I am a Stuffer.  There is no question about it.  I both build barriers and collect rocks for retaliation.  After years of perfecting the art of being an emotional Stuffer, I can say that it is inevitable that eventually some insignificant detail in my life will turn me into an Exploder.  And not just any garden variety explosion, when I decide to go off it is usually comparable to an atomic bomb.  I, of course, then fall into the category of the Exploder who shames myself because whatever it was that caused me to go off was really not a big deal.

I collect rocks to throw back… usually at my family.  The barriers have killed more friendships/relationships than I can count.  But as a Stuffer, the automatic answer to everything is “It’s fine,” or “I’m fine.”  I have a skill for smiling and nodding at someone I am furious at and saying, “No, it’s fine,” and the entire time I have been choking them in my head.  It’s at the moment I cut them off.  And as far as personal problems that I don’t necessarily talk about that I’m frustrated with put up as many barriers as anything.  I was raised that no matter what when you are out in public everything is fine, we are fine, we all get along, we are the nice, happy family.  I’m not saying we aren’t, but to me appearances aren’t everything.  In my family, that is a whole different story.  I have spent a lifetime stuffing emotions because we are trained to think it’s not ok to put them out there for the world to see.  That any sign of a mess or struggle is going to send our social status plummeting.  And the more I’ve thought about this, the more I laughed to myself…mostly because I started hearing the lyrics to a Miranda Lambert song that I like and I’ve only had about 6 hours sleep in the last 2 days.  It’s called Mama’s Broken Heart… and I will admit she is slightly crazy in the song (but I could relate a few months ago), but what catches my attention are these lyrics…My mama came from a softer generation
Where you get a grip and bite your lip just to save a little face.  And my mama’s mama and her mama’s mama… it’s an evil Stuffer creating cycle!  And of course then the song goes into the chorus of…

Go and fix your make up, girl, it’s just a break up
Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady
‘Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart

Yes, the song is about a breakup, but it is the idea of saving face that has made me into the Stuffer I am.  So I guess if this was a 12-step program, I would have to stand up and say, My name is Jennifer and I have a problem… I am a Stuffer!  I am guilty of stuffing to keep conflict at bay.  But I love what James 3:17 says:

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

I can have imperfect progress and hold on to the wisdom and promise that there is hope.  I just have to be sincere in my efforts.

The bright side is, I realized I am horrible about holding on to emotions.  I recently let go of a lot of anger I had held onto since high school.  And letting go of it was a relief that I had needed.  Sometimes it is easier to just tell someone you don’t agree with what they did or in my case what they said.  I held on to it for longer than I should, but the minute I told them I thought it was wrong and disrespectful, I had no intention of mending the friendship, but I wasn’t going to waste my time being angry about it anymore, it was like emptying a corner of my soul to breathe a little.

There is still plenty for me to let go, and I definitely still have to work on my Stuffing… and my atomic Exploding, but I’m getting better and I’ll take the progress where I can get it.

Life Interrupted

I sit and reflect on a life interrupted.  Plenty of free time to create… no haven’t been in the mood.  Plenty of time to read… no can’t concentrate.  Plenty of time to reconnect with friends I’ve lost touch with… no don’t want to be in the company of others.  That pretty well leaves reflection.  There was a job that could have turned into a career… it was interrupted.  Not by anything good, but by the lure of a life that had been left in the past (or so I thought).  The old life reared its ugly head.  So life restructured itself.  There was a job that could be a career as soon as I was on day shift because there was a boy who could be the one.  Again, life interrupted when the boy decided differently.  Back to plan A of a career and a life full of friends and volunteering… interrupted.  Found out I was pregnant… on to plan C and the boy who could have been the one from plan B.  There was a job, a boy, and a baby on the way.  Happiness showed up, contentment, pure joy… interrupted.  There was a miscarriage… but the boy could still be the one and the job was iffy… life was altered not interrupted.  Then the boy decided differently again and the job was no more… interrupted.  And in the middle of this interrupted life there is time to figure out what went wrong.  Turning my back on the important things in life, forgetting why certain people had been cut out of my life, just not sticking with my beliefs and my standards of life and conforming to others opinions.  A life interrupted and why… because I was weak.  And in order to find my strength I had to lose it all, had to be brought to my knees to remember the importance of life, to remember where my drive came from.  For awhile Jesus was in the way… that should have been my first clue I was going the WRONG way.  Finding my way has been a struggle but there is still good in life, there are still reasons to smile and to try.  I believe it’s time I do more than merely exist again… I believe it’s time to not put the pieces of life back together again, but to create something wonderful and grand… something new from the pieces of the shattered old.