Geesh!

I haven’t prayed much this week.  And by much, I mean at all.  The last time God and I had a conversation, I was angry and was in no mood to blow smoke at Him about how wonderfully, powerful He is.  I was in no mood to tell him that he is the Lord Almighty and it is because of Him that my life has all of the blessings it has.  Let me be clear here… I WAS NOT IN THE MOOD!  It’s May, 9 months after my miscarriage; the first weekend in May I had to let go of my 2nd graders in Kids Worship (downer #1), then Saturday was my niece’s birthday party (I began to unravel while driving home from picking up cakepops from a friend), Sunday was Mother’s Day (the icing on the crap cake that has been my life this month).  I almost didn’t go to church knowing they were going to celebrate mothers, but I went.  I almost walked in late to miss the video and the baby dedication, but I didn’t.  I almost walked out in the middle of the video, but I didn’t.  I sat and I bit my tongue to keep from crying and I suffered through it… Yes, I SUFFERED through it.  So when it came time for Communion, I was NOT IN THE MOOD!  My last conversation with God went a little something like this:

“Dear Lord, I am well aware there is a reason it happened, I may never know the reason, I’m not even sure I want to know the reason.  I do know right now I hate you for it though.”

There you have it.  Didn’t even feel the need to throw in a thanks for all you’ve done.  Nope, not gonna do it.  I’m going to be angry was the only thing I could think and I have been.  I’m slowly getting over.  I’ve been told I need to be sure to start talking to God again.  And apparently, I need to apologize.  *Sigh*  I’m not good at apologizing…  I may not have meant what I said, I meant it at the time, but I don’t hate God. I was angry, I am angry, how could I not be angry.  And how in the world do I apologize to GOD of all people.  it’s not like apologizing to one of my friends when I’ve been a butt.  I have to apologize to GOD, the big guy, the one who can put me in hell.  Geesh, talk about pressure and there shouldn’t be any pressure I mean come on!

Thank You

Thank you.  The last two words written on a piece of paper during Bible study.  Not the only two words, just the last two.  A list of prayer requests are at the top of the page.  The list of loved ones who are ill or dealing with death and other hardships in life… there were no praises that week.  The most notable request coming from someone asking we pray for the family of the bombers of the Boston marathon.

Half way down the page a note is scribbled from the video on James we were watching… Father will give whatever you ask in Jesus name.

Then the beginning of a prayer:

Lord –

Thank you

Nothing else, not even a punctuation.  Written in preparation of closing the session in prayer, forgetting the study would just end on the prayer given at the end of the video… interrupted by anguish and being asked to think about the most recent time you’ve experienced mental distress.  Interrupted by a video centered around childbirth, the anguish of losing a child, and finding joy in the midst of the anguish.  Lord, Thank you was all that was written.  At that point, what He is to be thanked for is uncertain, perhaps it was a thank you for finally putting a word to the pain, maybe for the sense of peace that is finally arrived, for the joy that was found in the midst of anguish, maybe for shining a light on the all of the things in life that needed letting go and for a renewal of spirit.  Who knows what that thank you was for… they were the only words that would come out that day.

Today, the thank you is for finally putting a word to the pain, for the renewed spirit, the ability to look at life differently than before, for all of the vast and unending blessing being poured out on life even when there are times it feels as if everything is lost.  Today, the thank you is for the realization that sometimes fewer words are more than enough, the realization that less is in fact more.  Today, the thank you is for this wonderfully crazy, out of our control life.

Edge of Happiness

 

I’ve finally found the edge…  the edge of happiness.  Contentment… joy despite the struggles.  James 1:2-4 says “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.”  I may not be there yet, as I will continually be lacking in something as long as I live in this world, but I can be joyful.  I have persevered and this changing of the seasons also brings a change in me… a change where I can smile, live a joy-filled life and with God’s help I most certainly can be FREE!!

More Stuffing

About a month ago I made a post about myself being a stuffer, which all comes from a book a group of women I study with are reading called Unglued by Lysa Terkeust.  I still think you should pick it up and read it some chapters will hit you more than others.  Chapter 6 is another one that has got me thinking.  That is probably because I’ve been going through the trouble of trying to process my miscarriage and deal with all of those emotions.  And I have destroyed relationships and shut down over the past few months.  Anyway here is another post on my stuffing…

I stuff because:

I don’t feel safe enough to confront this person

I don’t have the energy or the time to get into a conflict right now

I don’t know how to address the issue

I don’t want to seem hypersensitive

I don’t want to get rejected

I don’t want to lose control

I don’t want to make things worse, so I convince myself I can just let it go

I’m pretty sure every reason she lists for stuffing I have used at one point in my life.  The last five months I’ve stuck with I don’t know how to address the issue.  Ok, so that is only part of it, the other part is I don’t WANT to address the issue.  Lesa has found out that I’m an excellent stuffer and I wait until I can’t stuff anything else in so it all comes spewing out in a mess.  And I’ve cried and talked and she just hugs me and smiles and tells me not to stuff to keep it out for the sonshine to touch… and that is DIFFICULT.  I’m not one who parades my troubles to the world so I’m selective about who I will talk to about things.

Barriers shut down communication.  I have lost friendships because of my stuffing.  I lost a dear friend when I found out I was pregnant because she didn’t agree with it and then when I had a miscarriage because she wasn’t really around when I needed to talk.  She has tried to reach out a few times, but I’ve put up such a wall from the hurt I felt then I find it difficult to talk to her now.  My problem is the barriers I build against certain people affect all of my relationships because when I shut down communication I shut down completely.  I shut down to avoid dealing with that problem, and the next problem and the problem that started five months ago.  I wouldn’t be surprised if my stuffing and barrier building isn’t killing another friendship as we speak because it is too much for me to deal with my issues and be there for her.  Shutting down is just easier for me sometimes.  I don’t know how to deal with emotions, I never have.  Until recently, I haven’t had people who have made me sit down and take a look at things and process them.

Then prayer she has in the Chapter 6, just the first two lines of God, I’m so tired of being hurt.  I’m so tired of feeling distracted and discouraged by this situation. Are words I feel like I’ve prayed a hundred times looking for some relief with no response and I get discouraged by that.

I think I do try to tackle the person not the issues and most of the time I probably do have unrealistic expectations.  Being so emotion driven is such a pain… so draining.  I find I need to write out and plaster her “Feelings are indicators, not dictators, child.  They can indicate where your heart is in the moment but that doesn’t mean they have the right to dictate your behavior and boss you around.  You are more than the sum total of your feelings and perfectly capable of that little gift from Jesus called self-control,” all over my room, my car, at work… possibly tattoo it on my forehead so I see it when I look in the mirror.

I know I can have healthy relationships and that I can deal with emotions better than I do.  I just need to remember where to look for help and maybe a little more prayer is needed because maybe, just maybe the 101^st time I say that prayer I’ll get what I’m looking for.

They Save Me

I worked my way up to Kids Worship.  I started teaching 2’s & 3’s on Sunday nights and helping in the nursery.  I was asked to be a crew leader and said yes which then turned into being a teacher.  I love my kids… all my kids.  So now, one Sunday a month I walk into a room that both breaks my heart and saves me all at the same time.  I am a teacher for the 1^st & 2^nd graders in Kids Worship; I’ve been a crew leader for the 3^rd & 4^th graders.  These kids are my kids.  One Sunday a month I get hugged, called Miss Jennifer and hope to teach them something worthwhile… hope they walk out of there knowing a little more than when they left.  I will tell anyone who will listen that Kids Worship is my favorite thing to help with at church.  That the kids will often teach you more than you teach them.  I pour my heart into those kids because they are the future and they deserve to have people who truly care pushing them.

Five months ago when I went to Lesa with the news I was pregnant I went fully expecting to be taken out of Kids Worship.  I was going to leave my kids to someone else; I wasn’t the example they needed.  I had a miscarriage and I have continued to teach my kids, to share in their lives.  I still think there are better examples that could be helping mold the future of our church.  Five months ago, the thing I love the most about serving at LPCC became one of the most difficult things I ever had to do.  But those kids… my kids… have saved me so many times.

The closer May gets the more I think about the child I’ll never hold.  The closer May gets, the tighter I hug my sweet, sweet kids one Sunday morning a month.  They have no idea that they save me with every hug, with every smile, with every picture drawn on a sticky note.  My heart breaks at times when I walk into that room full of 1^st-4^th graders most of them I’ve taught or been around for years and watched grow up.  I’d be lying if I said there aren’t days that I dread walking into Kids Worship, because there are.  Some days I’m not sure I can take another reminder of what I lost; but I walk in that room to hugs and those kids hollering Miss Jennifer and I know I’m where I’m meant to be even though it hurts.  I push the hurt back and the laughs and hugs save me all over again.  If it weren’t for those kids, I wouldn’t have made myself walk into church some weeks.  It’s gotten easier… and more difficult all at the same time.  When I think of the child I lost, I try to remember all of the kids I have to hug on and laugh with on Sundays… and they save me one more time.

After five months I wish I could say it’s easier, it’s not… they save me.  After having a dear friend lose her child just weeks before her scheduled C-section… they save me.  I hear about old high school friends losing their babies… they save me.  Kids Worship is still my favorite part of serving at LPCC, some months are more difficult than others, but if it weren’t for those kids I can’t be sure that I wouldn’t have given up on God completely.  And looking at the journey to where I stand today, I am oh so blessed to be a part of that program and so thankful to the kids who have no idea what they have done for me…so grateful they save me.

Stuff Much?

So, if you can’t tell from previous posts or you have never read any of the previous posts, I like books.  Ok, that’s a lie, I love books.  I also love my church and my awesome group of women I am lucky to study with.  A few of us are taking the time to read Unglued by Lysa Terkeust(You should really go buy this book).  We are only on Chapter 4 and I have come to the conclusion that I am a slightly messed up human being (I already had a hunch, but now it’s being confirmed).  This is a book that the cover is a woman standing on a rock with her head in a bag I’m assuming screaming.  The book description is as follows:

God gave us emotions to experience life, not destroy it! Lysa TerKeurst admits that she, like most women, has had experiences where others bump into her happy and she comes emotionally unglued. We stuff, we explode, or we react somewhere in between. What do we do with these raw emotions? Is it really possible to make emotions work for us instead of against us? Yes, and in her usual inspiring and practical way, Lysa will show you how. Filled with gut-honest personal examples and biblical teaching, Unglued will equip you to: Know with confidence how to resolve conflict in your important relationships. Find peace in your most difficult relationships as you learn to be honest but kind when offended. Identify what type of reactor you are and how to significantly improve your communication. Respond with no regrets by managing your tendencies to stuff, explode, or react somewhere in between. Gain a deep sense of calm by responding to situations out of your control without acting out of control.

It’s a great book, very convicting.  And really just pointing out the already obvious fact that I have issues, but here is what is great… while going through these chapters and really thinking about these issues I have started to pinpoint the causes.  So far we have gone through whether or not we are “freak out” people, and the labels we give ourselves or others give us, and when do we most often come… yes you guessed it… unglued.  But Chapter 4… Chapter 4, is interrupting sleep, why I’m not sure it’s not earth shattering, but it is big.  Anyway, we are going through common unglued reactions.  You are an Exploder or a Stuffer (there are 2 options under each but I’m simplyfing).

I am a Stuffer.  There is no question about it.  I both build barriers and collect rocks for retaliation.  After years of perfecting the art of being an emotional Stuffer, I can say that it is inevitable that eventually some insignificant detail in my life will turn me into an Exploder.  And not just any garden variety explosion, when I decide to go off it is usually comparable to an atomic bomb.  I, of course, then fall into the category of the Exploder who shames myself because whatever it was that caused me to go off was really not a big deal.

I collect rocks to throw back… usually at my family.  The barriers have killed more friendships/relationships than I can count.  But as a Stuffer, the automatic answer to everything is “It’s fine,” or “I’m fine.”  I have a skill for smiling and nodding at someone I am furious at and saying, “No, it’s fine,” and the entire time I have been choking them in my head.  It’s at the moment I cut them off.  And as far as personal problems that I don’t necessarily talk about that I’m frustrated with put up as many barriers as anything.  I was raised that no matter what when you are out in public everything is fine, we are fine, we all get along, we are the nice, happy family.  I’m not saying we aren’t, but to me appearances aren’t everything.  In my family, that is a whole different story.  I have spent a lifetime stuffing emotions because we are trained to think it’s not ok to put them out there for the world to see.  That any sign of a mess or struggle is going to send our social status plummeting.  And the more I’ve thought about this, the more I laughed to myself…mostly because I started hearing the lyrics to a Miranda Lambert song that I like and I’ve only had about 6 hours sleep in the last 2 days.  It’s called Mama’s Broken Heart… and I will admit she is slightly crazy in the song (but I could relate a few months ago), but what catches my attention are these lyrics…My mama came from a softer generation
Where you get a grip and bite your lip just to save a little face.  And my mama’s mama and her mama’s mama… it’s an evil Stuffer creating cycle!  And of course then the song goes into the chorus of…

Go and fix your make up, girl, it’s just a break up
Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady
‘Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart

Yes, the song is about a breakup, but it is the idea of saving face that has made me into the Stuffer I am.  So I guess if this was a 12-step program, I would have to stand up and say, My name is Jennifer and I have a problem… I am a Stuffer!  I am guilty of stuffing to keep conflict at bay.  But I love what James 3:17 says:

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

I can have imperfect progress and hold on to the wisdom and promise that there is hope.  I just have to be sincere in my efforts.

The bright side is, I realized I am horrible about holding on to emotions.  I recently let go of a lot of anger I had held onto since high school.  And letting go of it was a relief that I had needed.  Sometimes it is easier to just tell someone you don’t agree with what they did or in my case what they said.  I held on to it for longer than I should, but the minute I told them I thought it was wrong and disrespectful, I had no intention of mending the friendship, but I wasn’t going to waste my time being angry about it anymore, it was like emptying a corner of my soul to breathe a little.

There is still plenty for me to let go, and I definitely still have to work on my Stuffing… and my atomic Exploding, but I’m getting better and I’ll take the progress where I can get it.

Small Things Make Big Impacts

I was recently asked to write a letter to someone who greatly influenced me in my walk to Christ.  There are so many people who have influenced me since and those letters may show up in the future.  All I can say is never underestimate what the smallest thing can do for someone.  You never know who is watching, who your actions are affecting.

I hadn’t been in a church for anything other than a wedding or funeral since I was about 6, so I was more than a little surprised when mom said that she and Todd were going to church.  I was fairly certain they had lost their minds.  I was living in Owensboro so it wasn’t a big deal at the time it wasn’t like I was going to be home every weekend.  I hated Edwards County and everything that was in it and all it stood for.  Going to church when I was home meant that I had to see and talk to people I had spent years avoiding.  At the time I started going to LPCC all I knew was someone my stepfather was working with had invited them and after some talking they decided to go.  I spent as long as I could avoiding showing up.  I had accepted Jesus in high school, I was in FCA, went to youth group with friends who were pushing me into it… I was scared into it really when a friend died.  He was a year behind me in school and well I didn’t want to go to hell.  I never took any of it seriously.

I honestly don’t remember when I first met you two at church or really many conversations.  But for a long time after I started going to LPCC the only people I remember talking to regularly were you guys.  I’m sure others spoke to me when I was in the walls of LPCC but you seemed to reach out whether you realized you were or not.  Of course Facebook made that easier and at the time I think I had probably started babysitting for the kids occasionally.

I have always looked at your family and known I wanted whatever it was that you had.  You were happy and seemed to have this sense of peace about things.  There was something that just made you guys different and I wanted that.  The more I was at LPCC and the more I got to know you I realized that it was the relationship with Christ I was missing.  I started talking to you guys more and I don’t think it was ever about anything deep and meaningful, but I do remember her telling me once when I had listed myself in a relationship that was complicated that it shouldn’t be that.  It shouldn’t be complicated.  And I have heard his testimony more than once and I can remember sitting and crying through it because I have been such a mess and still am really but it was then that I started feeling like there was hope for me.  After being at LPCC for a year or so and being around you guys and Shillings and the Collins’ I was baptized in August of 2006.  I have in the last 6 years continued to look at you guys as an example of what I want to be.  I have most definitely made HUGE HUGE mistakes and my walk with Christ as been nowhere near what it should be.  I have been lucky enough to have a wonderful church family I can go to for support and spiritual guidance.  I have been fed spiritually far more by you two and a few others at LPCC than I have by my own family.  And we have gone through periods where we haven’t really talked but I have always looked up to you two.  When I have messed up he is always one of the first people I think of who I know will be disappointed in me.  And I don’t mean that in a bad way.  He is someone that I know if he knows I’m straying he will call me out.  It is those people in my life who push me to want to be better…to change.  I want to be someone you can look at and see a difference in from 6 years ago.  Most days I don’t think I’ve come very far, but I wouldn’t be where I am without having you two as influences.  You may not think you have done anything for me over the years, but your friendship and the examples you set have affected me more than you can ever know.  I pray I can affect someone else’s life the way you have mine.  Thank you so much for everything.

The Heavens Declare

My life has been a mess.  I have picked myself up and dusted myself off more times than I can count.  I am as a general rule extremely independent.  I like things  my way, I’m not patient.  I have, however, learned that I cannot go through this world alone.  I have plastered Scripture all around me.  I can’t look around my room without seeing a verse somewhere.  I love Scripture, love that I can be so messed up, but I have grace, grace, God’s wonderful grace.  My absolute favorite of all time is 2 Timothy 1:7

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but of power love and self control.

My current favorite passage is 1 Corinthians 1:26-2:1-5

For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, ‘Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.’ And I, when I came to you brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.

And of course my standby passage in Isaiah 40:29-31

He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.  Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

The list of Scriptures could run on forever.  And with new challenges, new worries, and loss every day, I cling to God’s word.  I can be weak, I can be weary.  God is equipping me with what I need to carry on and He will use our weaknesses to accomplish great things.  With this knowledge I can face the day and have peace like a river when the waves start rocking the boat!  What are your favorite verses?  I’d love to hear them!!  And be sure to remember,  in times of trial there is hope so cling to the One who can bring the strength and power to you!

Merry Go Round

I have a bad habit of coming up with random ideas and thoughts when I’m driving… or in the shower… but this particular thought happened while driving.  I was listening to the radio like I often do and the song Merry Go Round came on.  I swear to you if you haven’t heard it describes probably every small town in the country.  And while singing along all I could think was this song soooo describes Small Town USA… also known as Edwards County.  Momma is hooked on Mary Kay (yup or Avon), Brother is hooked on Mary Jane (uh huh), Daddy is hooked on Mary two doors down (eh… not that anyone is going to admit but probably).  Then it goes on… We get bored, so, we get married (check).   Just like dust, we settle in this town (unfortunately true after trying to escape).  On this broken merry go ’round and ’round and ’round we go, Where it stops nobody knows and it ain’t slowin’ down.  This merry go ’round (check check and check).  Apparently the singer, Kacey Musgraves is from Texas, if I didn’t know better I’d think she was from good ole EC.  Anyway, to finish off this song Jack and Jill went up the hill, Jack burns out on booze and pills (uh duh although it’s most likely Meth), Mary has a little lamb (totally plausible) and Mary just doesn’t give a damn any more… ok the lyrics are Mary just don’t give a damn no more but that is bad grammar and just isn’t kosher.

Jack obviously fell down (after burning out on booze and pills or meth or whatever he was on that day), Jill may have tumbled after but did she help him up or did she say dude you suck, why did I marry you and walk away?  MAAAYBE when Jack fell down he pushed Humpty Dumpty off the wall too… maybe Jack falling down was the beginning of this downhill slide.  Maybe Jill should have helped him up… been a little more supportive.  Then maybe Small Town USA wouldn’t be a breeding ground for meth labs, teen pregnancy, and murderers.  As far as I can tell Jack started it all… and the only ones being pushed out are the 40%.  Jack couldn’t just fall down, he had to be an ass and knock Humpty off the wall too… so now we have drug addicted alcoholic and a rotten egg running around tormenting the town and showing the not quite bright youth that running with the devil can be a good time… and here we all are stuck on this damn merry go round…

It’s not a bad place to live.  As far as I know God hasn’t told anyone to take over the land and utterly destroy the good ole folks living here(think book of Judges)… at least He hasn’t yet.  Back in the day (long before me) 85% of the county was churched… which means the non-Christians were the minority.  Today is a different story; today only 40% of the county is churched… huh wonder what happened(I think Jack falling down happened).  I often look at the town and wonder why I’m here what the appeal is.  This is definitely Small Town USA…UGH!