Changes

There is a question on my heart, a prayer on my lips.  I dare not speak to others what my heart needs to know.  Whatever the answer to this prayer, the result will be life changing.  I live now as a woman with divided loyalties… a woman with a heart torn between two places.  The desire to be firmly rooted in the place I know, but to also spread my wings and fly far away.  To leave here would be to leave the church that has molded me into who I am now and the children I teach and help guide.  To leave here would bring new adventures and excitement my life has not yet known.  To stay here will mean the same routine day in and day out.  To stay means continuing to live under the rule of the family and not ever be completely my own person.  Staying means that everything changes but nothing changes.  It’s a path only God can help me determine, a path only He knows which I should choose.  The prayers go up multiple times a day and waiting for the answer means patience.  Oh, the need for patience, the virtue of which I have very little.  There is a question on my heart, a prayer on my lips.  I’m waiting for the life changing result.

Headache, Heartache, & a Starbucks travel mug

The man I loved has disappeared from my life.  I’ve accepted that.  There are days it still bothers me, but for the most part, I’m focused on moving on and having a life free from the pain of the last year of my life.  Today I went to Bible study like I do every Saturday.  The only difference was today I took my Starbucks travel mug.  The travel mug that represents the one thing I got from the man I loved dearly that wasn’t heart ache or a migraine from trying to convince him he was making the wrong decision.  The fact that I came to the conclusion that the best thing that came out of that relationship was a travel mug is a bit disturbing.  I poured my heart and soul into the relationship and all I get out of it is a fucking travel mug… how wrong is that???  Relationships are supposed to be give and take and full of love even when you are angry.  I loved him, I feel now that all he felt for me was lust.  It is that reason I’m glad I can work through issues I’m left with and move.  I want to be more than a warm body.  I want love and all of the other emotions and trials that go into working through the days, weeks, and years of a relationship.  Relationships should add up to more than a headache, a heartache and a Starbucks travel mug.

Can’t Judge A Sniper

“You can’t judge a book by its cover.”  Well, technically you can… and I do.  Often.  I also judge books by their titles, but that is not the point.  I think the point here is you SHOULDN’T judge a book by its cover.  You also can’t judge a Sniper by its camouflage.  To judge a Sniper by its camouflage left me with adjectives like goody two shoes, nauseatingly perky, overly friendly, preppy, holier than thou, and overachiever just to name a few.

I had known who Sniper was probably as long as I could remember.  We live in a small town and everyone knows everyone else.  She was younger than me and therefore I wasn’t obligated to acknowledge the presence of the lower classmen; it didn’t help matters she was a cheerleader (I am anti-cheerleader).  Looking back we were pretty bitchy in school… and for absolutely no reason.  Sniper is not the only who caught the end of the bitch stick upside the face in the Edwards County School system.

Much like many of the books I have overlooked because of their cover that I later make my way back to because of a recommendation or just because I’ve had nothing else to read, I also found my way back to Sniper.  It was a God sent opportunity to re-evaluate an opinion that was made 10 years prior.  I know it was God sent because only God could arrange our paths crossing and the completely unexpected, from the outside looking in unreasonable friendship that started in 2011.  Sniper has a very carefully constructed camouflage.  A camouflage of happiness to hide the disease that has stolen her hearing, to cover the fear and anxiety, to cover the inner struggles with family, with ghosts of bitchy high school girls bent on making her cower in fear and loathing.  I, on the other hand, have a carefully constructed camouflage of fierceness, of someone who doesn’t take any crap off of anybody.  Judging a Sniper by its camouflage and comparing it to your own is a bit like comparing Real Tree to Mossy Oak… it can be done, but it is really just pointless.  Camouflage is camouflage, a cover is a cover and you never know what is underneath it.

The Sniper is in fact a timid, God fearing woman who longs to connect to her inner fierceness and unleash it on the world.  I tell her to find her inner brunette.  This particular Sniper has fire in her veins, longs to suck the marrow from life and is a fiercely loyal friend.  Someone who when life has drug you to the bottom of the pond can with one simple message breathe life back into you.  Her bruised knees (http://onbruisedknees.wordpress.com) come from a faith in God that only someone who has depended on Him for years to survive the wrong end of the bitch stick… they come from someone who spends time with her God not only praying for her strength but the strength and wisdom of her husband and sister, and for those friends she clings to for dear life.  She struggles with living far from those who understand her the most (with the exception of her husband), with not having a group of women to study with, to gather with, she longs to create, to write, to live inspired, to inspire others.  She has taught me to look at the good in life, to see the beauty in the small things.  She encourages me to create, to write, to play saxophone, to find a job I enjoy.  Her messages are always sent with love, with the amazing gift of God’s perfect timing in them.  She understands the things in my soul that I struggle with, that I long for.  She has been fiercely loyal and more supportive than I could have asked for during the past five months.  She is someone I thankfully went back to and saw past the camouflage.  She thankfully sees through my camouflage.  And with this friendship that goes beyond the layers we use to hide from the world, I like to think, and I’m going to use her words here, we are able to encourage one another to smile a little more, live our joy-filled lives and do every other thing we want to do because we can and with God’s help we can both most certainly be free.

Edge of Happiness

 

I’ve finally found the edge…  the edge of happiness.  Contentment… joy despite the struggles.  James 1:2-4 says “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.”  I may not be there yet, as I will continually be lacking in something as long as I live in this world, but I can be joyful.  I have persevered and this changing of the seasons also brings a change in me… a change where I can smile, live a joy-filled life and with God’s help I most certainly can be FREE!!

Currently

Reading:  Unglued, not a fan, Bible, The Boleyn Inheritance

Wearing:  lime green capris, bright orange shirts, red shoes, darker hair, wearing my hair curly

Enjoying:  teaching Kids Worship, Bible study, messages with my Sniper friend, working full time

Looking forward to: the future, love, visits with friends, BEING FREE

Really liking:  Gold Peak Sweet Tea, Bold Party Blend Chex Mix

Needing: more prayer time, writing inspiration, evening walks, card writing (snail mail)

Watching:  Duck Dynasty, the Colbert Report

Scripture:  “Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin.”  —  Hebrews 12:1-4

Quote:

Stuff Much?

So, if you can’t tell from previous posts or you have never read any of the previous posts, I like books.  Ok, that’s a lie, I love books.  I also love my church and my awesome group of women I am lucky to study with.  A few of us are taking the time to read Unglued by Lysa Terkeust(You should really go buy this book).  We are only on Chapter 4 and I have come to the conclusion that I am a slightly messed up human being (I already had a hunch, but now it’s being confirmed).  This is a book that the cover is a woman standing on a rock with her head in a bag I’m assuming screaming.  The book description is as follows:

God gave us emotions to experience life, not destroy it! Lysa TerKeurst admits that she, like most women, has had experiences where others bump into her happy and she comes emotionally unglued. We stuff, we explode, or we react somewhere in between. What do we do with these raw emotions? Is it really possible to make emotions work for us instead of against us? Yes, and in her usual inspiring and practical way, Lysa will show you how. Filled with gut-honest personal examples and biblical teaching, Unglued will equip you to: Know with confidence how to resolve conflict in your important relationships. Find peace in your most difficult relationships as you learn to be honest but kind when offended. Identify what type of reactor you are and how to significantly improve your communication. Respond with no regrets by managing your tendencies to stuff, explode, or react somewhere in between. Gain a deep sense of calm by responding to situations out of your control without acting out of control.

It’s a great book, very convicting.  And really just pointing out the already obvious fact that I have issues, but here is what is great… while going through these chapters and really thinking about these issues I have started to pinpoint the causes.  So far we have gone through whether or not we are “freak out” people, and the labels we give ourselves or others give us, and when do we most often come… yes you guessed it… unglued.  But Chapter 4… Chapter 4, is interrupting sleep, why I’m not sure it’s not earth shattering, but it is big.  Anyway, we are going through common unglued reactions.  You are an Exploder or a Stuffer (there are 2 options under each but I’m simplyfing).

I am a Stuffer.  There is no question about it.  I both build barriers and collect rocks for retaliation.  After years of perfecting the art of being an emotional Stuffer, I can say that it is inevitable that eventually some insignificant detail in my life will turn me into an Exploder.  And not just any garden variety explosion, when I decide to go off it is usually comparable to an atomic bomb.  I, of course, then fall into the category of the Exploder who shames myself because whatever it was that caused me to go off was really not a big deal.

I collect rocks to throw back… usually at my family.  The barriers have killed more friendships/relationships than I can count.  But as a Stuffer, the automatic answer to everything is “It’s fine,” or “I’m fine.”  I have a skill for smiling and nodding at someone I am furious at and saying, “No, it’s fine,” and the entire time I have been choking them in my head.  It’s at the moment I cut them off.  And as far as personal problems that I don’t necessarily talk about that I’m frustrated with put up as many barriers as anything.  I was raised that no matter what when you are out in public everything is fine, we are fine, we all get along, we are the nice, happy family.  I’m not saying we aren’t, but to me appearances aren’t everything.  In my family, that is a whole different story.  I have spent a lifetime stuffing emotions because we are trained to think it’s not ok to put them out there for the world to see.  That any sign of a mess or struggle is going to send our social status plummeting.  And the more I’ve thought about this, the more I laughed to myself…mostly because I started hearing the lyrics to a Miranda Lambert song that I like and I’ve only had about 6 hours sleep in the last 2 days.  It’s called Mama’s Broken Heart… and I will admit she is slightly crazy in the song (but I could relate a few months ago), but what catches my attention are these lyrics…My mama came from a softer generation
Where you get a grip and bite your lip just to save a little face.  And my mama’s mama and her mama’s mama… it’s an evil Stuffer creating cycle!  And of course then the song goes into the chorus of…

Go and fix your make up, girl, it’s just a break up
Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady
‘Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart

Yes, the song is about a breakup, but it is the idea of saving face that has made me into the Stuffer I am.  So I guess if this was a 12-step program, I would have to stand up and say, My name is Jennifer and I have a problem… I am a Stuffer!  I am guilty of stuffing to keep conflict at bay.  But I love what James 3:17 says:

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

I can have imperfect progress and hold on to the wisdom and promise that there is hope.  I just have to be sincere in my efforts.

The bright side is, I realized I am horrible about holding on to emotions.  I recently let go of a lot of anger I had held onto since high school.  And letting go of it was a relief that I had needed.  Sometimes it is easier to just tell someone you don’t agree with what they did or in my case what they said.  I held on to it for longer than I should, but the minute I told them I thought it was wrong and disrespectful, I had no intention of mending the friendship, but I wasn’t going to waste my time being angry about it anymore, it was like emptying a corner of my soul to breathe a little.

There is still plenty for me to let go, and I definitely still have to work on my Stuffing… and my atomic Exploding, but I’m getting better and I’ll take the progress where I can get it.

The Heavens Declare

My life has been a mess.  I have picked myself up and dusted myself off more times than I can count.  I am as a general rule extremely independent.  I like things  my way, I’m not patient.  I have, however, learned that I cannot go through this world alone.  I have plastered Scripture all around me.  I can’t look around my room without seeing a verse somewhere.  I love Scripture, love that I can be so messed up, but I have grace, grace, God’s wonderful grace.  My absolute favorite of all time is 2 Timothy 1:7

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but of power love and self control.

My current favorite passage is 1 Corinthians 1:26-2:1-5

For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, ‘Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.’ And I, when I came to you brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.

And of course my standby passage in Isaiah 40:29-31

He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.  Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

The list of Scriptures could run on forever.  And with new challenges, new worries, and loss every day, I cling to God’s word.  I can be weak, I can be weary.  God is equipping me with what I need to carry on and He will use our weaknesses to accomplish great things.  With this knowledge I can face the day and have peace like a river when the waves start rocking the boat!  What are your favorite verses?  I’d love to hear them!!  And be sure to remember,  in times of trial there is hope so cling to the One who can bring the strength and power to you!

Life Interrupted

I sit and reflect on a life interrupted.  Plenty of free time to create… no haven’t been in the mood.  Plenty of time to read… no can’t concentrate.  Plenty of time to reconnect with friends I’ve lost touch with… no don’t want to be in the company of others.  That pretty well leaves reflection.  There was a job that could have turned into a career… it was interrupted.  Not by anything good, but by the lure of a life that had been left in the past (or so I thought).  The old life reared its ugly head.  So life restructured itself.  There was a job that could be a career as soon as I was on day shift because there was a boy who could be the one.  Again, life interrupted when the boy decided differently.  Back to plan A of a career and a life full of friends and volunteering… interrupted.  Found out I was pregnant… on to plan C and the boy who could have been the one from plan B.  There was a job, a boy, and a baby on the way.  Happiness showed up, contentment, pure joy… interrupted.  There was a miscarriage… but the boy could still be the one and the job was iffy… life was altered not interrupted.  Then the boy decided differently again and the job was no more… interrupted.  And in the middle of this interrupted life there is time to figure out what went wrong.  Turning my back on the important things in life, forgetting why certain people had been cut out of my life, just not sticking with my beliefs and my standards of life and conforming to others opinions.  A life interrupted and why… because I was weak.  And in order to find my strength I had to lose it all, had to be brought to my knees to remember the importance of life, to remember where my drive came from.  For awhile Jesus was in the way… that should have been my first clue I was going the WRONG way.  Finding my way has been a struggle but there is still good in life, there are still reasons to smile and to try.  I believe it’s time I do more than merely exist again… I believe it’s time to not put the pieces of life back together again, but to create something wonderful and grand… something new from the pieces of the shattered old.

Memories

Memories.  Most people cherish them.  Reminders of the past.  Aren’t we supposed to move forward, look forward…it’s difficult to go forward when you are constantly remembering, constantly being pulled into the past.  Letting go is impossible if you remember.  Memories hold you back.  In reality, they shouldn’t be cherished.  It would be easier to live if you could forget.  Perhaps a delete button should be installed.  You don’t want to forget big things, like your wedding or giving birth, but everything else, all of the pain delete it.  No memories, no pain, moving on is easier, life moves forward since you won’t be pulled backwards; in short, no memories means sweet freedom.  Random thought on memories, maybe…. is there a valid point?  Definitely.

A Door

 

Every door leads somewhere.  To choose from doors that lead to mythical, magical, make-believe lands is a chance a lot of people might jump at.  At least those who live their lives with their nose in a book, their head in the clouds.  Me, I prefer to keep my head and feet in the present.  Planning, constantly planning, trying to correct for mistakes made, wrong paths taken.  I admit getting away would be nice, hiding out for awhile; of course, that’s why I read; it takes me away.  So if I have to get away, if I HAVE to choose one of these places, I choose Narnia.  

To take a step into Narnia would be a lesson learned.  Neverland, Wonderland, Hogwarts… all of the options are nothing compared to a land where you can learn the lessons you need whether you want to or not.  Yes, lessons could be learned anywhere you go, but Narnia is just a land that is meant for more.  More meaning, lessons from Aslan… lessons from God.

Perhaps a trip to Narnia is just what I need.  To step into a land of wonder, of “magic”, a land where the lost can find their way again… or for the first time.  I’d step into Narnia, walk with Aslan, pour out the doubts, the fears, the anger that has plagued me the last few months.  We would fight battles, share stories, for once God would be a tangible person instead of the idea that I know Him to be.  I would be comforted by touch instead of by Spirit.  I would have answers… I would be the closest to Heaven I will ever be until death.  The door to Narnia would lead me to the freedom I’ve been seeking.  And it would be a sweet, sweet freedom.  

For some the chance to tell a story of what would happen if you stepped through a door to a fictional land would produce a long, vivid, eventful tale.  For me, it’s simple, Narnia would heal my wounds, Aslan would speak the words I’ve needed to hear, and my faith would be restored in the God I have felt has wounded me beyond repair.