Thank You

Thank you.  The last two words written on a piece of paper during Bible study.  Not the only two words, just the last two.  A list of prayer requests are at the top of the page.  The list of loved ones who are ill or dealing with death and other hardships in life… there were no praises that week.  The most notable request coming from someone asking we pray for the family of the bombers of the Boston marathon.

Half way down the page a note is scribbled from the video on James we were watching… Father will give whatever you ask in Jesus name.

Then the beginning of a prayer:

Lord –

Thank you

Nothing else, not even a punctuation.  Written in preparation of closing the session in prayer, forgetting the study would just end on the prayer given at the end of the video… interrupted by anguish and being asked to think about the most recent time you’ve experienced mental distress.  Interrupted by a video centered around childbirth, the anguish of losing a child, and finding joy in the midst of the anguish.  Lord, Thank you was all that was written.  At that point, what He is to be thanked for is uncertain, perhaps it was a thank you for finally putting a word to the pain, maybe for the sense of peace that is finally arrived, for the joy that was found in the midst of anguish, maybe for shining a light on the all of the things in life that needed letting go and for a renewal of spirit.  Who knows what that thank you was for… they were the only words that would come out that day.

Today, the thank you is for finally putting a word to the pain, for the renewed spirit, the ability to look at life differently than before, for all of the vast and unending blessing being poured out on life even when there are times it feels as if everything is lost.  Today, the thank you is for the realization that sometimes fewer words are more than enough, the realization that less is in fact more.  Today, the thank you is for this wonderfully crazy, out of our control life.

Bittersweet

Summer is fast approaching and it will be both amazing and bittersweet.  This will be my last month with my 2^nd graders in Kids Worship.  I will no longer be teaching the very same kids who have saved me over and over again since October.  June is promotion Sunday when the older kids in the group move up and I will get the younger ones who I once taught in 2’s and 3’s.  I’m torn between moving up with my 2^nd graders or staying where I am.  I’m torn because I know I’m being called to stay where I’m at, but I want so badly to move up with this group I’ve been with for 2 years.  It’s a bittersweet moment where I have to let go of some of the sweetest kids I’ve had the privilege to teach, but I know I will still get to see them and watch them grow in Christ.  It’s a time when I know I need to stay where I am to teach the next group no matter how much I want move up with this group and stay with them until they graduate.  So for the group I’m losing I have a message for you:

 

Anguish

Exhausted… physically and mentally.  Sleep wanted, unable to fall into rest.  Instead of a heart and soul at peace… at war.  Bible study is usually a renewal for me not today.  Today a word crept into my mind, into my heart, into my very being and shook me to the core.  Anguish.  The word I’ve been searching for to describe what I’ve been feeling.  Anguish… pain + anxiety… mental distress.  Distress my ass, more like mental TORTURE.  Never in my life have I been so happy to be done with a Bible study in all my life and get home to the my own room and be alone!  Never in my life have I wished a word would have been left unspoken.  Anguish…

How I Remember Her

In 2 days we move my 65 year old grandma into assisted living.  She will move out of the house she has lived in for 40 years, she raised 6 children in that house and has watched her 16 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren walk in and out of that house as we grow older and move away.  Her memory is going away, she doesn’t remember seeing me since Thanksgiving.  The vascular dementia is taking her from us and taking her quickly.  I choose to try to forget the fact my grandma isn’t really my grandma much of the time anymore, instead I choose to remember the laughter, her sarcasm, family trips to Holiday World, holidays… and the fact his woman never had to be my grandma.  She is in fact my step-grandmother, but her and my grandpa who we lost almost 7 years ago took me into the family and as one of their own.  I miss him dearly everyday, I miss the woman she was everyday.  I try not to think about losing her since she is still here, but she is not herself.  This is what I choose to remember:

The last picture is the last time she remembers seeing me… I’ll hold on to that.  I wasn’t happy there, I didn’t realize that would be the last time she remembered me just a month after having a miscarriage I was wrapped up in my own world, not realizing things would never be the same.  She has hidden herself away from the world the more the dementia has taken from her.  We still get glimpses of the woman she was…  and it is so hard knowing we will soon lose that and I hold tight to the memories I have.  Praying that we get just a little more time before she is gone from us.

Fragmented

I am an expert at sleeping.  I can sleep for 12 hours be up for 3 and turn around and sleep another 12.  Lately, sleep has evaded me.  I’ve had things on my mind.  I lay in bed for hours trying to sleep before I go work the dreaded midnight to 8 shift.  I miss sleep dearly, like a long lost friend.  I try to make sense of the thoughts that float around in my head, the only problem is the thoughts are complete.  They start in sentences and end up in fragments.  They end in single words…fragments of the fragmented thoughts.  My head works something like this:

I feel like an outsider.

All of the compulsive lying and guilt trips

My dad —  too much to go into!

I feel Alone!  Used!  Misguided!  Misunderstood!

Alone.

Used.

Misunderstood.

Misguided.

Confused.

Frightened. (future)

Upset.

Angry.

Failure.

Unlovable.

Betrayed.

Failure as daughter, Christian, woman/mother

Melissa, Lesa, Sarah

KERRI

Rebuilding = Frustrating

Want to cry

Only at peace at LPCC

Home is not home

Need more PRAYER!!

How?

NO WORDS!!!

Broken – Fixed = No, on mend

Healing – still pain everyday

Fragmented Happiness

Contentment within reach…

The inner contents of my mind continue to be an enigma… If I could only sift through the thoughts then maybe, perhaps sleep would return and I would feel the peace I felt only a week or so ago.

Can’t Judge A Sniper

“You can’t judge a book by its cover.”  Well, technically you can… and I do.  Often.  I also judge books by their titles, but that is not the point.  I think the point here is you SHOULDN’T judge a book by its cover.  You also can’t judge a Sniper by its camouflage.  To judge a Sniper by its camouflage left me with adjectives like goody two shoes, nauseatingly perky, overly friendly, preppy, holier than thou, and overachiever just to name a few.

I had known who Sniper was probably as long as I could remember.  We live in a small town and everyone knows everyone else.  She was younger than me and therefore I wasn’t obligated to acknowledge the presence of the lower classmen; it didn’t help matters she was a cheerleader (I am anti-cheerleader).  Looking back we were pretty bitchy in school… and for absolutely no reason.  Sniper is not the only who caught the end of the bitch stick upside the face in the Edwards County School system.

Much like many of the books I have overlooked because of their cover that I later make my way back to because of a recommendation or just because I’ve had nothing else to read, I also found my way back to Sniper.  It was a God sent opportunity to re-evaluate an opinion that was made 10 years prior.  I know it was God sent because only God could arrange our paths crossing and the completely unexpected, from the outside looking in unreasonable friendship that started in 2011.  Sniper has a very carefully constructed camouflage.  A camouflage of happiness to hide the disease that has stolen her hearing, to cover the fear and anxiety, to cover the inner struggles with family, with ghosts of bitchy high school girls bent on making her cower in fear and loathing.  I, on the other hand, have a carefully constructed camouflage of fierceness, of someone who doesn’t take any crap off of anybody.  Judging a Sniper by its camouflage and comparing it to your own is a bit like comparing Real Tree to Mossy Oak… it can be done, but it is really just pointless.  Camouflage is camouflage, a cover is a cover and you never know what is underneath it.

The Sniper is in fact a timid, God fearing woman who longs to connect to her inner fierceness and unleash it on the world.  I tell her to find her inner brunette.  This particular Sniper has fire in her veins, longs to suck the marrow from life and is a fiercely loyal friend.  Someone who when life has drug you to the bottom of the pond can with one simple message breathe life back into you.  Her bruised knees (http://onbruisedknees.wordpress.com) come from a faith in God that only someone who has depended on Him for years to survive the wrong end of the bitch stick… they come from someone who spends time with her God not only praying for her strength but the strength and wisdom of her husband and sister, and for those friends she clings to for dear life.  She struggles with living far from those who understand her the most (with the exception of her husband), with not having a group of women to study with, to gather with, she longs to create, to write, to live inspired, to inspire others.  She has taught me to look at the good in life, to see the beauty in the small things.  She encourages me to create, to write, to play saxophone, to find a job I enjoy.  Her messages are always sent with love, with the amazing gift of God’s perfect timing in them.  She understands the things in my soul that I struggle with, that I long for.  She has been fiercely loyal and more supportive than I could have asked for during the past five months.  She is someone I thankfully went back to and saw past the camouflage.  She thankfully sees through my camouflage.  And with this friendship that goes beyond the layers we use to hide from the world, I like to think, and I’m going to use her words here, we are able to encourage one another to smile a little more, live our joy-filled lives and do every other thing we want to do because we can and with God’s help we can both most certainly be free.

Edge of Happiness

 

I’ve finally found the edge…  the edge of happiness.  Contentment… joy despite the struggles.  James 1:2-4 says “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.”  I may not be there yet, as I will continually be lacking in something as long as I live in this world, but I can be joyful.  I have persevered and this changing of the seasons also brings a change in me… a change where I can smile, live a joy-filled life and with God’s help I most certainly can be FREE!!

Currently

Reading:  Unglued, not a fan, Bible, The Boleyn Inheritance

Wearing:  lime green capris, bright orange shirts, red shoes, darker hair, wearing my hair curly

Enjoying:  teaching Kids Worship, Bible study, messages with my Sniper friend, working full time

Looking forward to: the future, love, visits with friends, BEING FREE

Really liking:  Gold Peak Sweet Tea, Bold Party Blend Chex Mix

Needing: more prayer time, writing inspiration, evening walks, card writing (snail mail)

Watching:  Duck Dynasty, the Colbert Report

Scripture:  “Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin.”  —  Hebrews 12:1-4

Quote:

Can’t Be His Savior

You can’t be his savior.  More than one person has spoken those words to me.  They, of course, are talking of my ex… of three times.  Three times we tried to make it work and three times he left me for his ex.  You can’t be his savior.  I tried.  I looked at the hurt in his dark brown eyes and did everything I could to take it away.  He fights with demons I can’t help with though.  It’s a fight he has to have on his own.  If he is lucky she will support him.  If I’m right, he’ll end up alone as he has every other time.  I find it hard to walk away from him and leave him to figure things out.  I have loved him completely and unconditionally, it’s the only way I know to love him.  I love him still, but I find the feelings have changed even in this short time since the last break up.  I’ve changed, grown… perhaps as much as I don’t want to admit it, I’ve grown away from him.  I still consider him a friend and hate to lose that, but at the same time, I can’t lose myself trying to save him from his demons.  I found a few demons of my own to battle while with him, I am thankfully putting them to rest.  You can’t be his savior.  I still think he needs help.  I cringe thinking what will happen to him if things don’t go his way.  You can’t be his savior.  They are the words that ring the loudest in my head.  He needs a savior… he needs THE Savior… he needs God.  He’s angry with God.  He walked away from God when we lost the baby.  He will stay angry until he deals with his emotions and anger of our loss… I fear he will be angry forever.  I fear for his soul.  I hate thinking of an eternity where he is not there as my friend, as the friends we were before things went so terribly haywire.  His demons are eating him from the inside out, he’s angry at something he thinks he doesn’t believe in, I’ve loved him completely and unconditionally, I’ve tried to show him the love he needs, to be what he needs in a partner, but I can’t be… what he doesn’t know is no one can be, not until the he fights what is inside and he wins.  He also doesn’t know he won’t win… not until he finds his savior.  I can’t be his savior, I have slowly come to terms with that.  I pray for him, I pray for peace for me as I worry myself sick over him, I pray for him because no one can be the savior he needs us to be… no one but Jesus.

More Stuffing

About a month ago I made a post about myself being a stuffer, which all comes from a book a group of women I study with are reading called Unglued by Lysa Terkeust.  I still think you should pick it up and read it some chapters will hit you more than others.  Chapter 6 is another one that has got me thinking.  That is probably because I’ve been going through the trouble of trying to process my miscarriage and deal with all of those emotions.  And I have destroyed relationships and shut down over the past few months.  Anyway here is another post on my stuffing…

I stuff because:

I don’t feel safe enough to confront this person

I don’t have the energy or the time to get into a conflict right now

I don’t know how to address the issue

I don’t want to seem hypersensitive

I don’t want to get rejected

I don’t want to lose control

I don’t want to make things worse, so I convince myself I can just let it go

I’m pretty sure every reason she lists for stuffing I have used at one point in my life.  The last five months I’ve stuck with I don’t know how to address the issue.  Ok, so that is only part of it, the other part is I don’t WANT to address the issue.  Lesa has found out that I’m an excellent stuffer and I wait until I can’t stuff anything else in so it all comes spewing out in a mess.  And I’ve cried and talked and she just hugs me and smiles and tells me not to stuff to keep it out for the sonshine to touch… and that is DIFFICULT.  I’m not one who parades my troubles to the world so I’m selective about who I will talk to about things.

Barriers shut down communication.  I have lost friendships because of my stuffing.  I lost a dear friend when I found out I was pregnant because she didn’t agree with it and then when I had a miscarriage because she wasn’t really around when I needed to talk.  She has tried to reach out a few times, but I’ve put up such a wall from the hurt I felt then I find it difficult to talk to her now.  My problem is the barriers I build against certain people affect all of my relationships because when I shut down communication I shut down completely.  I shut down to avoid dealing with that problem, and the next problem and the problem that started five months ago.  I wouldn’t be surprised if my stuffing and barrier building isn’t killing another friendship as we speak because it is too much for me to deal with my issues and be there for her.  Shutting down is just easier for me sometimes.  I don’t know how to deal with emotions, I never have.  Until recently, I haven’t had people who have made me sit down and take a look at things and process them.

Then prayer she has in the Chapter 6, just the first two lines of God, I’m so tired of being hurt.  I’m so tired of feeling distracted and discouraged by this situation. Are words I feel like I’ve prayed a hundred times looking for some relief with no response and I get discouraged by that.

I think I do try to tackle the person not the issues and most of the time I probably do have unrealistic expectations.  Being so emotion driven is such a pain… so draining.  I find I need to write out and plaster her “Feelings are indicators, not dictators, child.  They can indicate where your heart is in the moment but that doesn’t mean they have the right to dictate your behavior and boss you around.  You are more than the sum total of your feelings and perfectly capable of that little gift from Jesus called self-control,” all over my room, my car, at work… possibly tattoo it on my forehead so I see it when I look in the mirror.

I know I can have healthy relationships and that I can deal with emotions better than I do.  I just need to remember where to look for help and maybe a little more prayer is needed because maybe, just maybe the 101^st time I say that prayer I’ll get what I’m looking for.