Holy Cow What a Year!

2015 is coming to an end in a few days…. and what a year it has been!!

I started the year out stressed to the max working a job I hated.  Had a baby girl

She lights up my life and I’ve been extremely blessed to spend the last almost 6 months at home with her!  Her dad and I celebrated 2 years together on Christmas day… seems like longer 😉

2016 is looking up.  There are so many details I could put in this post but the big things are I had a job I hated, I had a baby, I no longer have a job I hate and I am an Independent Consultant for It Works Global, I celebrated 2 years with this guy here and I have a job interview next week for a job that would let me be mom and still get out in the universe and feel like a functioning adult!  To say I’m blessed would be an understatement!

Wait

What do you do when the answer is wait.  For months now, the only answer I get is wait.  I’m not good at waiting,  patience is a virtue,  but it’s not one I possess.  I am grateful for an answer and not silence but waiting is killing me.  I obsess and I don’t eat or sleep.   I obsess and make myself sick.  Wait… I try to find a way around Him.  Wait…I try to find something to occupy my time.  Wait… my head and heart scream with frustration.   Wait. *sigh* Wait, I must.

ramble

my heart aches, it continues to break.  normal days come and go.  demons won’t go away.  they merely hide until i think i’m safe.  faith fades and then reignites just as quickly.  loneliness is my friend and my enemy.  being alone comforts and being alone kills.  prayers seem insignificant yet necessary.  thoughts remain fragmented instead of coherent.  ramblings to most, life to me.

Called

We are all called.  Whether or not we answer the call is another subject altogether.  We talk and pray and wait for an answer.  How often do we get an answer, but we aren’t listening.  In the past, I have listened and I have heard and I have ignored.  I have prayed for changes, prayed for peace, prayed for healing for others.  I have been called to work for God, to serve Him.  I know how, and right now I know where, but the question is whether or not I will serve elsewhere, in a larger capacity… I think so.  I have asked and prayed and pleaded for a love to come into my life.  A love that would also live for Him, serve Him, a love that I would be able to love and serve as we serve Him together… so far nothing, but a wait… it’s an answer, but at the age of 29 (well, 29 in a day), wait is not the answer I’m looking for.  I must first learn to be obedient to Him, learn to be obedient to God, the Father… the Father, I have in the past been so quick to disobey, quick to ignore, quick to walk away from.  The answer I’ve been waiting for… wait and learn obedience and then perhaps.  *Sigh*  So I teach to pass the time, I change programs at the church for the kids, I start new studies for kids with a friend.  I write, I work, I cry, I pray.  Obedience and patience… never my two strong points.  So I take walks and talk with God, I take walks and think through life, I send messages to my dearest Melissa friend, I have breakfast with my Sarah friend and I wait… Obedience and patience, obedience and patience, obedience and patience… it becomes my mantra.  I’m held here in limbo, as my Melissa friend (http://onbruisedknees.wordpress.com/) recently said, I’m somewhere and nowhere all at the same time, waiting… I’m called to serve, to teach, I’m told to wait… Obedience and patience, Obedience and patience… and all I can do is repeat the phrase and walk by faith.

Changes

There is a question on my heart, a prayer on my lips.  I dare not speak to others what my heart needs to know.  Whatever the answer to this prayer, the result will be life changing.  I live now as a woman with divided loyalties… a woman with a heart torn between two places.  The desire to be firmly rooted in the place I know, but to also spread my wings and fly far away.  To leave here would be to leave the church that has molded me into who I am now and the children I teach and help guide.  To leave here would bring new adventures and excitement my life has not yet known.  To stay here will mean the same routine day in and day out.  To stay means continuing to live under the rule of the family and not ever be completely my own person.  Staying means that everything changes but nothing changes.  It’s a path only God can help me determine, a path only He knows which I should choose.  The prayers go up multiple times a day and waiting for the answer means patience.  Oh, the need for patience, the virtue of which I have very little.  There is a question on my heart, a prayer on my lips.  I’m waiting for the life changing result.

Innocence

Everyday is a struggle to find the good in life, the good in people, the good God intended for us to see.  At some point in this journey through life, our innocence is lost.  I believe it is that loss that prevents so many of us from reveling in the simple things in life.  While I have not by any means found my lost innocence, I have found a peace about my life that allows the smallest and most simple things in life to shine out in the darkness.  However, I still have not found my ability to view the world through the eyes of a child who see only God’s beauty and greatness in everything.

I have posted about the kids in my class at church that have saved me time and time again over the last 9 months.  There is one in particular who has touched my heart and just makes me wish I could see the world through her eyes if even just for a day.  This girl is an amazing kid.  She is sweet and has such a soft heart.  When she wraps me up in hugs on Saturday mornings after our women’s Bible study or on Sundays my heart just melts.  This is a child who would give you everything she had if you needed it.  This is a child who instead of thinking of herself first like many do, thinks of others.  She has more patience than anyone I know, soft-spoken, and such a heart for people and for God.  I know where she has learned it, she has learned it from her family.  She watches, she takes it all in, she learns the important lessons from the people who can show her best.

I know they can teach her the way to walk with God, because I know her family.  I am blessed to have her mother as a dear, dear friend who has stood by me through the trials of the last 9 months, who has been one of the three wonderful friends in my life who has taught me it’s okay to cry.  She has a mother that I am completely transparent with and who holds me accountable.  And I love to watch this girl as she interacts with her friends (I believe at last count she thought it was probably somewhere in the hundreds) or her brothers, love to hear her answers to questions in class, watch her cheer during Upward; this girl despite being so young knows what is important in life.  She sees beyond what others her age see.

As I hugged her this morning and I held on to this girl that every part of me wished I could just take home with me, I realized I wish I could see the world as a child sees it.  I wish I could see this world with the innocence of a child again, only knowing what I’m seeing, what I need to be thankful for, realizing this vast creation holds so much joy despite the trials.  As I hugged this dear girl, I realized that while I may not have my child, and for the first time here I’m going to say that I am so convinced in my heart that my baby was a girl, so that while I may not have child, my baby, my Rayleigh (Asher if it had been a boy) here with me, I have these kids that I am so much a part of their lives throughout the year.  And while it will never come close to being able to love my own child, I have kids, I have so many kids and I love each and every one of them.  And my blonde haired, sweet, soft spoken, soft hearted girl will one day grow up and I can know that I had a bigger part in her life than I probably realize and she will have taught me more as a 2nd grader than any one else could have as an adult.

New York

Memorial Day, 5 years ago, so Memorial Day 2008, it may have only been 4 years… I’m not 100% on that… I do know it was Memorial Day…  Or Labor Day (but 99.9999% sure Memorial Day), I met an incredible man.  Said man will henceforth be referred to as New York.  And not only is he New York, he is MY New York.  Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine…. even in the midst of all the other relationships I’ve given chances since meeting him, New York is the one I’ve wanted to be with.  The problem with that particular desire is well 1) he lives in New York and 2) you cannot put stubborn and more stubborn together to create bliss in a relationship.  What in fact happens is complete and utter chaos.  Everyone is right… in reality, we’re both wrong (not 100% of the time), but we’re both enough wrong it just ends badly.  And it has… again and again and again and again… you get the picture… It never went well…EVER!!

New York and I instantly had a connection when we met and we were in love and it was new and fabulous and then his micromanaging and my constant need to self-sabotage any good thing in my life met head on… Explosion.

We took a break… a long break (like a year).  We started talking, we still love each other, we think the other is the one that got away, things are great, then I don’t even remember what happened…Explosion.

Again, we take a break… not quite as long as the previous break, but still I would say 3-6 months.  Same scenario, we have both been in counseling by this point, we think we are straightened out enough to give it yet another chance, I am 100% going for this, New York is the one I want to spend my life with and then we get into a blow out about my brother, (yes, my brother who I can’t stand), and yes I take responsibility for that one it was my fault.

Well, after spending months trying to convince him I’m sorry and things have changed he informs me that he loves me but we have proven we do nothing but hurt one another (proof is listed above)… we continue to talk, if I’m ever in New York (yeah right, like that will ever happen) give him a call.  Maybe in all this time he just wanted me to jump on a plane and come to him.  Well I would have if I could have but I’m a poor girl living in the Midwest who lives paycheck to paycheck.  We keep talking…  I tell him if he wants to not try again then I will respect that.  I miss having him in my life, so we keep talking…  Maybe I just want him to come to me (he most definitely has the means).  He agrees.  He misses me, he still loves me.  New York is coming to Southern Illinois (aka the middle of nowhere) to see me.  We’re going to talk, we’re going to see if anything can be salvaged.  Did I mention HE WILL BE HERE!  My New York will be HERE with ME!  Yes, I’m nervous and scared and this could very possibly turn into another explosion (I’m aware, don’t need a lecture on how this is a bad idea), but more importantly, I am freakin’ ecstatic!!!

Bad idea or not, this is what we need.  We need to be in the same place, at the same time and quite possibly for the first time in YEARS be on the same page whether we walk away friends or not is yet to be seen, but at least, when he gets on the plane to fly back to New York, we will finally have figured out what in the heck is going on with us.

Headache, Heartache, & a Starbucks travel mug

The man I loved has disappeared from my life.  I’ve accepted that.  There are days it still bothers me, but for the most part, I’m focused on moving on and having a life free from the pain of the last year of my life.  Today I went to Bible study like I do every Saturday.  The only difference was today I took my Starbucks travel mug.  The travel mug that represents the one thing I got from the man I loved dearly that wasn’t heart ache or a migraine from trying to convince him he was making the wrong decision.  The fact that I came to the conclusion that the best thing that came out of that relationship was a travel mug is a bit disturbing.  I poured my heart and soul into the relationship and all I get out of it is a fucking travel mug… how wrong is that???  Relationships are supposed to be give and take and full of love even when you are angry.  I loved him, I feel now that all he felt for me was lust.  It is that reason I’m glad I can work through issues I’m left with and move.  I want to be more than a warm body.  I want love and all of the other emotions and trials that go into working through the days, weeks, and years of a relationship.  Relationships should add up to more than a headache, a heartache and a Starbucks travel mug.

Geesh!

I haven’t prayed much this week.  And by much, I mean at all.  The last time God and I had a conversation, I was angry and was in no mood to blow smoke at Him about how wonderfully, powerful He is.  I was in no mood to tell him that he is the Lord Almighty and it is because of Him that my life has all of the blessings it has.  Let me be clear here… I WAS NOT IN THE MOOD!  It’s May, 9 months after my miscarriage; the first weekend in May I had to let go of my 2nd graders in Kids Worship (downer #1), then Saturday was my niece’s birthday party (I began to unravel while driving home from picking up cakepops from a friend), Sunday was Mother’s Day (the icing on the crap cake that has been my life this month).  I almost didn’t go to church knowing they were going to celebrate mothers, but I went.  I almost walked in late to miss the video and the baby dedication, but I didn’t.  I almost walked out in the middle of the video, but I didn’t.  I sat and I bit my tongue to keep from crying and I suffered through it… Yes, I SUFFERED through it.  So when it came time for Communion, I was NOT IN THE MOOD!  My last conversation with God went a little something like this:

“Dear Lord, I am well aware there is a reason it happened, I may never know the reason, I’m not even sure I want to know the reason.  I do know right now I hate you for it though.”

There you have it.  Didn’t even feel the need to throw in a thanks for all you’ve done.  Nope, not gonna do it.  I’m going to be angry was the only thing I could think and I have been.  I’m slowly getting over.  I’ve been told I need to be sure to start talking to God again.  And apparently, I need to apologize.  *Sigh*  I’m not good at apologizing…  I may not have meant what I said, I meant it at the time, but I don’t hate God. I was angry, I am angry, how could I not be angry.  And how in the world do I apologize to GOD of all people.  it’s not like apologizing to one of my friends when I’ve been a butt.  I have to apologize to GOD, the big guy, the one who can put me in hell.  Geesh, talk about pressure and there shouldn’t be any pressure I mean come on!

Currently

Reading:  not a fan, the Queen’s Fool

 

Wearing: jeans, north face hoodie, sweats, under armour shirts

 

Enjoying:  teaching Kids Worship, Bible study, messages with my Sniper friend, messages from my New York ❤

 

Looking forward to:  more messages with my New York <3, new 1st graders in Kids Worship in June

 

Really liking:  potato straws w/ ranch dip, Dove milk chocolate with almonds, coffee with caramel and french vanilla syrup

 

Needing: more prayer time, walks, more talks with Sniper, more time to read, more New York in my life!! 🙂

 

Watching:  Duck Dynasty, Two and a Half Men

 

Listening to:  Hunter Hayes, Thompson Square, Boybands from the 90’s